Thoughtful Read online

  “You okay?” I asked, already knowing she wasn’t.

  She paused in her drink to answer me. “No.” I thought she’d leave it at that, but she surprised me by adding, “Denny isn’t coming back…we’re done.”

  A multitude of emotions washed over me at the same time: compassion, grief…joy…and guilt. I walked over to her, eager to wrap my arms around her and tell her I was here for her, that I’d never leave her, but it was obvious she was trying to suppress her pain. Hearing how much I cared about her probably wouldn’t help her right now; I needed to let her grieve first. Instead of touching her, I leaned back against the counter. I even rested my hands behind me so I wouldn’t be tempted.

  Not knowing what to do for her, I watched her studying me for a minute. Then, hoping she’d say no, because I really didn’t want to discuss her feelings about Denny, I asked, “You want to talk about it?”

  She again paused from her drink only long enough to answer me. “No.”

  Relief hit me again that she didn’t want to talk about him. She probably didn’t want to talk about me either, but that was okay. I understood not wanting to talk. And I knew what I would want if I were her. I glanced at her empty wine bottle, then the glass she was finishing. “You want some tequila?” I asked.

  A genuine smile spread across her lips. “Absolutely.”

  I opened the cupboard above the fridge and, rummaging through my alcohol stash, I grabbed the tequila. I wasn’t sure if getting Kiera drunker was a good idea, but it was the only solution I could think of right now. And besides, at least she wasn’t drinking alone anymore. I grabbed glasses, then salt and limes from the fridge. Setting out a cutting board, I sliced up the limes. I could feel Kiera’s eyes on me the entire time.

  I poured us shots, then handed hers to her with a smile. “Cure for heartache, I’m told.”

  She took the glass from me and our fingers briefly touched. It was enough to send heat through my body. She was single now…that changed things. Or did it? Denny was my best friend. I owed him…

  Determined to stop thinking, to just go with whatever happened, I dipped my finger into my drink and wet the backs of our hands. Kiera watched every move I made as I shook some salt over our hands. When she made no move to drink her shot, I broke the ice and took mine so she’d feel more comfortable about doing this with me. My throat was numb from doing Jäger shots all night, so it didn’t even burn. It burned for Kiera though.

  Her tongue came out to lick the salt off her hand, her mouth opened to receive her drink, and her lips curled around the lime, squeezing its juices. It was an erotic thing to watch. Then her face twisted into a grimace. I chuckled at her reaction, then poured us another round.

  The second shot went down easier for her. The third was even easier. We didn’t talk, just drank. And the more alcohol she consumed, the hungrier her eyes became. She was staring at me as tenaciously as the women in the bar did. I did my best to ignore it, but it was difficult to do…I wanted her to look at me like that. I wanted to look at her like that. But I wasn’t about to make any assumptions on what was going to happen tonight. We were just two friends sharing a drink. Two single friends who had almost shared a lot more recently…

  By the fourth shot, the alcohol was getting to me. I spilled the tequila trying to pour it in those tiny little glasses. I laughed as I almost dropped the lime from my mouth. I was way beyond buzzing now.

  On the fifth shot, everything changed. Just as I was bending down to lick the salt from my skin, Kiera took my hand and ran her tongue over the back of it. She was soft, wet, warm, and felt amazing on my sensitive body. I wanted her to keep doing it, but she pulled back to drink her tequila shot. When she placed her wedge of lime between my lips, my heart sped up. Was she…?

  She was. Her mouth reached up to connect with mine. Our lips pressed together as she sucked on the lime. All I could taste was lime and her. It was an intoxicating combination. But it wasn’t nearly satisfying enough. I needed more.

  My breath felt strained when Kiera pulled away. Ragged. She teasingly removed the lime from her mouth and set it on the counter. When she seductively licked her fingers, my resolve evaporated. I suddenly didn’t give a shit what we’d been before, or who we’d been with. I didn’t care if she’d dated Denny—that seemed like a long-past memory at the moment. I didn’t care about Evan’s warnings, my regrettable experience with bedding roommates, my promise to Denny to stay away, or my own decision to not cross that uncrossable line. Kiera kissed me. She wanted me. And fuck, I wanted her too.

  I took my shot of tequila straight, slammed the glass on the counter, then pulled her back to my mouth, where she belonged.

  Our lips moving together felt better than I had imagined. There was so much eager, pent-up passion, I felt like we were both going to burst into flames. I couldn’t get enough of her. My hand on the back of her neck tightened, drawing her in even closer. My other hand found the small of her back. Perfection.

  I pushed her until she bumped against the counter, our lips still moving together with a near-frenzied intensity. Her tongue brushed against mine, teasing, searching. I groaned, needing more. My fingers roamed down her sides, slid across her ribs, down to her ass. Reaching down, I lifted her up and set her on the counter. She let out a soft, seductive noise as she wrapped her legs around me and cinched me tight. Yes…

  Even half-drunk, I was hard. All I could think of was taking her to my room, laying her on my bed, and exploring her. I wanted to feel every curve, discover every peak, taste every inch. I wanted all of her. And I was beginning to believe that maybe I always had.

  My hand drifted across her throat, and my lips followed. Her skin was sweet, like strawberries. Delicious. With a moan that went straight through my body, Kiera dropped her head back and closed her eyes. God, she was so beautiful. Her breath was as heavy as mine; we were both nearly panting. Desperate to be together.

  I ran my nose up her throat to her ear and gave the skin below it a gentle lick. Kiera squirmed, and her fingers started digging into my shirt, like she was going to either take it off or rip it off. I helped her remove the obnoxious fabric. She pulled back to look, and her eyes devoured me. I loved it. I loved seeing the unabashed need on her face. It drove me crazy.

  Her fingers raked down my chest, and I couldn’t take it anymore. Thank God all the obstacles were gone. Thank God we could finally do this, finally cave in to what we felt for each other…what I felt for her. I swept my arms around her and picked her up off the counter.

  I was uncoordinated on my feet, my body not all the way in sync with my mind. I bumped into a wall here and there, and almost dropped Kiera before we even reached the stairs. It didn’t help anything that I wasn’t watching where I was going. I couldn’t. All my focus was on her—my eyes, my lips, my tongue, my breath, my heart, my soul. It was all hers.

  Just after the turn in the stairs, I lost all control and stumbled to the ground. I managed to catch myself before I crushed Kiera into the steps, but it was still jarring, and I was sure we’d both feel it in the morning. Nothing mattered now though, so we both laughed.

  “Sorry,” I muttered, running my tongue up her throat. She shivered under my touch, dug her fingers into my shoulders. I was lying on top of her now. Having her beneath me was much better than having her on the counter. I worked my way between her legs, then ground my hips into hers. She gasped when she felt how hard I was. That’s all for you. That’s what you do to me. I want you…so much.

  She sucked on my earlobe, sending explosions of desire throughout my skin. Needing her warmth, needing her softness, needing to taste her again, I sought her mouth. She tangled her fingers into my hair, keeping us held together. Still needing more, I pulled at her pajama pants. Off. I needed them off.

  She helped me, and when they were around her ankles, we kicked them down the stairs. Her hands went to my jeans, but her numb fingers couldn’t undo the stiff buttons. She giggled as my palms explored her bare thighs, caressed her a
ss over her underwear. Giving up on my jeans, her hands returned to my chest, feeling the hard muscles. I sucked on her lip as my hands traveled north. I was nearly shaking with anticipation as I approached her breast. I’d wanted to feel this for so long. I cupped her in my palm, stroked my thumb over and around her rigid nipple. Jesus, she felt so good.

  I wanted to swirl my tongue over her breast, pull it into my mouth, but I wasn’t done exploring her yet. Kiera was squirming beneath me, placing light kisses along my arm, lightly biting my shoulder. It drove me wild. Throaty moans escaped her every time I touched her. She had already felt my desire for her…I wanted to feel her desire for me. As I hovered my lips over her mouth, teasing her with the tip of my tongue, I slipped my hand into her underwear. She bucked against me, eager, wanting me to touch her there. Just the thought of it made me want to come. I held it together though…I wanted this to last.

  Looking down, I angled my hand so I could watch my fingers enter her. One finger slid across her slick skin and Kiera cried out. She was so fucking wet. My mouth dropped open as I twisted to watch her reaction. She was so fucking hot. And she wanted me. Me.

  She was going crazy underneath me as I teased her with my hand. Her fingers traveled over my arms, my back, my shoulders. She swiveled her hips, desperate for more. “Please, Kellan…take me to your room. Please. Oh God…please,” she whispered.

  Fuck. Her softly begging me was the hottest thing I’d ever heard. I scooped her up, and didn’t set her down again until we were in my door frame. Once she was on her feet, I tore off her underwear. Then I removed my shoes and socks and got to work on my jeans, since Kiera still couldn’t do it. She laughed at her ineptitude, and I laughed with her. Her smile as she laughed was incredible. It made me want her even more. I pulled off her tank top, then bent down to finally feel that perky breast in my mouth. Kiera moaned and held my head to her body.

  After a brief tease, I playfully pushed her back onto my bed. I stripped off my boxers while she sat up on her elbows and took me in. The playfulness in the room vanished as we stared at each other. There was no one in the world I wanted more than her, and she was finally here, in my bed, wanting me…

  I crawled into the bed with her, and our skin collided. She was warm, and soft. She felt better than anything I’d ever known. As we stared at each other, I felt that connection between us. When we kissed, it intensified. My hands roamed her body, then my lips followed suit. The feeling of being connected, being one, grew with every place I touched her. My mouth wandered between her legs, and I tasted her desire for me. It was as amazing as the rest of her. She cried out, her hips moving against me as she murmured my name.

  Sitting up, she ran her fingers over all of my muscles, then her mouth covered me with soft kisses. I lay down as she moved farther south. I clenched the sheets when she ran her tongue around the tip of me. I was done. I couldn’t take any more. I needed to be inside her.

  I flipped her over to her back, then pushed myself into her. The sensation of filling her blew me away. We were staring at each other with our mouths open, breaths in a pant, and she was cupping my face and stroking her thumb across my cheek. I’d never felt such warmth during sex. It was only when I started to move my hips that I realized I hadn’t put on a condom. My cardinal rule, and I’d just broken it. I considered stopping and putting one on, but Kiera whispered my name with such adoration that I couldn’t. We were finally free, and I didn’t want anything between us ever again. She was mine, and I wanted to leave a part of myself with her.

  We moved together so seamlessly that it was like our thousandth time, not our first. As the sensations rocketed through my body, I hoped this was the first of a thousand times. I hoped it never ended. Our movements were slow at first, more about pleasure than purpose. Then Kiera pulled at my hips, murmuring, “More.” I sped up, feeling the intensity build as I did. I couldn’t contain the noises coming from my mouth. I’d never felt anything this good. Kiera seemed equally overwhelmed. Her soft noises were more stimulating than any of the screamers I’d bedded; they could have learned a thing or two from her.

  I felt my climax coming, and I desperately wanted it, and didn’t want it. Coming inside Kiera right now would be heaven and hell. Heaven for the pure bliss of it, hell because this feeling would be over once we were spent. Kiera grabbed my head and pulled me close as her cries increased. She was close. I was close. Fuck, this was happening.

  I felt my stomach clench, felt the release bursting from me as the pleasure exploded over my body. Kiera stiffened and cried out at the same time I did, and we rode out our climaxes together. I’d never come at the exact same time with a girl before. It intensified the moment for me; I felt like I came forever. When it finally started to ebb, I stared into Kiera’s eyes. She stared back at me, and I was nearly overwhelmed by the emotion on her face, the emotion in my heart. I’d never experienced anything like this before. It was beyond all expectation, all reason. It changed me. I would never be the same after this. We would never be the same after this.

  Staring at each other, we panted until our hearts slowed down. I gently removed myself from her, then wrapped her in my arms. I’d thought once that dancing with her was better than sex. I was wrong. So very, very wrong. Dancing didn’t come close to sex. Not sex with her, at least.

  Kiera passed out once we were relaxed. I held her tight, relishing the warmth I felt with her in my arms. I watched her sleeping for a long time. It was so nice to hold her, to feel her skin against my skin, to feel her light breath against my chest. I felt so connected with her right now, and she wasn’t even conscious. Time ticked by, and then, in the silence of my room, she spoke. “Kellan…” she murmured. My heart thudded in my chest; I was sure she’d just woken up. What would I say to her? What would she say to me? I froze, terrified, but she didn’t say anything else.

  I slowly felt myself relaxing into the mattress. Kiera was still asleep, and she was thinking about me. Me. It amazed and mystified me that I was in her thoughts, and I wondered what she was dreaming about. I felt lighter than air as my heart started pounding for another reason. Her saying my name, thinking about me while she slept, almost gave me a bigger buzz than the sex had. And I knew, without a doubt in my head, that I could fall asleep with her in my arms every night and be completely happy. And that thought scared the crap out of me, because on the flip side, I knew I would be completely miserable without her.

  So what were Kiera and I now? I had no clue. I didn’t have a clue about anything anymore. All I knew was that for a long time now, I had cared about Kiera in a way I shouldn’t have cared about her. And tonight, I’d done something with her that would kill my friend if he ever found out. Over or not, Kiera was off-limits to me because of him. I’d known that, and I’d screwed her anyway. I was a horrible person.

  As I pondered the word “screw,” my insides churned with distaste. That word wasn’t right. We hadn’t just gotten drunk and fucked. At least, I hadn’t. My soul had been in that act. Being with her meant everything to me. She meant everything to me. The way she laughed, the way she smiled, the way she listened to my music, the way she looked at me with so much compassion, like she understood my pain even if she didn’t know what it was. Everything about her took my breath away.

  I looked down at her nestled under my arm. Her mouth was slightly open as she slept. Her eyes twitched like she was still in the midst of dreaming. I wanted her to say my name again. I wanted her to still be thinking about me. I hoped I was on her mind, since she was the only thing on mine. I wanted to protect her. I wanted to help her grow. I wanted what she had…with Denny.

  Shit. Denny. Where did he fit into all of this? I’d selfishly shoved him aside so I could take what I wanted. I’d gone against his one request of me. A wave of guilt crashed over me while my brain settled back into reality, and I couldn’t help but think of the times he’d been there for me…I was a fucking asshole. He would never forgive me for this. I was going to lose him. And for what? Did Kiera car
e about me at all?

  Almost like she’d heard my thoughts, Kiera turned away from me. She flipped over onto her stomach, and a chill washed over me with her absence. My eyes drifted over her bare back; the skin there was smooth, creamy, and perfect. She was perfect. I considered pulling her into my arms again, but my mind had begun to spin, and now it was churning. I couldn’t get a handle on the multiple jarring thoughts beating against my brain. What had I just done?

  You just had sex with the woman who’s been on your mind every second of every day, a woman who is in love with your best friend, a best friend who you owe everything to, a best friend who you just stabbed in the back by sleeping with “the love of his life” five seconds after they broke up. That’s what you just did.

  “Shut up,” I muttered to myself. I didn’t want to lose this high by letting reality in. All I wanted to do was dwell on this feeling pounding against my rib cage, vibrating through my head. I felt completely plastered as I lay next to Kiera, but it wasn’t alcohol that was making me feel this way. No, it wasn’t tequila that was making my chest light, my head giddy. Alcohol wasn’t filling me with the need to smile, laugh, and clutch Kiera tight. I was completely drunk…on her.

  But did that mean anything for us? Were we even an us? Or was it still her and me? Completely separate.

  The sheet was low on Kiera, exposing most of her body. I really wanted to lean down and place kisses between her shoulder blades, rest my cheek on the small of her back, pull her close to my body. I was scared to wake her up though. What would she say when she regained consciousness? That what we’d done was a mistake? That she was still in love with Denny? That she was going to leave the house? Or…would she say the impossible? That she cared about me, and she wanted to be with me?

  No, that was highly unlikely. No woman I’d ever slept with had actually cared about me. Not like that. Most likely, all that had happened was Kiera had been sad, and I had cheered her up. End of story.