Thoughtless Read online

Page 19

  The momentary memory of tequila made my stomach lurch uneasily. Not wanting to lose my stomach in his bed, I risked the horrible swirling sensation and sat up. Waiting a second, for my head to clear and then realizing it wasn't going to, I looked around for my clothes. I could only find my tank top, hanging haphazardly from his guitar by the bed. Crap.

  I slowly put it back on and stood, stumbling slightly. Seriously, shouldn't I be fine by now? I looked over at the clock. . . 2:30? Already? So much for school. . . my psych class was nearly over. I cautiously made my way to the door. My underwear was lying near it. I sighed and carefully leaned over to pick them up. Quickly I pulled them back on, as my stomach turned dangerously.

  Somewhat dressed, I decided modesty was now the least of my problems. I had no idea where Kellan was anyway and I knew my stomach was no longer joking around. I ran to the bathroom and made it just in time to heave noisily into the toilet.

  Leaning my head against the cool porcelain, more memories flooded my brain.

  . . . Kellan's hand moving across my throat, his lips following. My head falling back, eyes closing. Breathing heavy. Moaning softly. Exhaling raggedly. Pulling his shirt off. His gloriously stunning chest. Hard muscles, soft skin. Kellan's breath coming harder as my fingers moved down his chest. Him groaning lightly and pulling me closer to him. His arms sweeping around me and picking me up. Moving to the stairs. . .

  My stomach heaved again and sweat dewed my brow. Ugh, I hate tequila. More relentless memories. . .

  . . . Stumbling to the ground drunkenly on the steps and both of us laughing. Being sprawled across the steps, him heavily on top of me. Kellan mumbling "sorry" as he ran his tongue up my throat. Gasping as his arousal pressed against me. Sucking his earlobe. Warm lips on mine. Hands roughly pulling off my pants. . .

  Oh, I thought distractedly, while my stomach flipped, that's where my pants are.

  . . . Me trying to unbutton his jeans and laughing at my numb fingers not being able to move properly to do it. Kellan lightly sucking my bottom lip. Stroking his chest. A hand caressing my breast under my tank top. Lightly biting his shoulder. Fingers slipping into my underwear, circling the slick skin before pressing into me. The passion in his eyes as he watched my breathless reaction. Begging him to take me to his room. . .

  Oh god, I cringed. I begged him, I actually begged him. . . someone please kill me now! And at that, my stomach heaved again.

  . . . Being scooped up. My underwear being ripped off. Kellan kicking off his shoes then taking off his jeans while I laughed, since I still couldn't do it. Him laughing with me as he pulled off my tank top. A soft tongue dragging along my nipple, teasing, tasting. Playfully being pushed back onto his bed. Pulling off his boxers. Taking in the sight of his glorious, naked body. The humor ending, as things got suddenly very intense. His eyes raking over my body, his lips on every inch of me. My fingers on every inch of him, tracing every perfectly defined muscle. Kissing his strong, smooth jaw. . . neck. . . throat. . . chest. . . abdomen. The way he groaned when my tongue swirled around the tip of him. . .

  Feeling slightly better with my stomach, I sat back on my heels and made myself remember the rest.

  . . . Kellan flipping me to my back and pushing smoothly inside of me. Gasping with the pleasure of it. Our hips moving together. The rising and falling sensations. The pleasant noises he made. The surprising noises I made. The seemingly long time everything took, as our drunken bodies absorbed every sensation. The warmth of his breath on my neck. Grabbing his head and holding him close, as we approached the final moment - so intense, so unbelievable. Crying out in unison as we came together. Feeling the warmth of him releasing into me. Panting breathlessly with him as our hearts slowed down. Staring into each other's eyes. Losing consciousness in his arms. . .

  I stood shakily, but more securely, and washed my face, brushed my teeth. Surprised, I realized that last night with him had been. . . amazing.

  I walked to my room deep in thought and stopped just inside the door, looking at the perfectly made bed. All the feelings from last night, of Denny and I ending, that I had repressed with alcohol, and Kellan, came crashing down on me. I sank to my knees and sobbed.

  I don't remember when, but at some point in the day, I went downstairs and grabbed my pants from the steps. I slipped them on and stood at the bottom stair, not knowing what to do now. I was desperately thirsty and my head still throbbed, but mostly, my heart ached.

  I sat on the step and hung my head in my hands. Tears came again and I had the odd desire for Kellan to come home. I just wanted my friend to put an arm around me and tell me it would be okay. That I hadn't just made a monumental mistake last night in breaking up with Denny. Okay, two monumental mistakes. Kellan. . . I don't know what had come over me last night. Well, tequila certainly, but was that all it was? Rita would love this bit of gossip, not that I ever intended to tell her. There had been so many warnings, and I had ignored them all. It was literally written on the wall that he was kind of a dog, who routinely slept around. And then there had been the. . . misunderstanding with his ex-roommate, Joey. Apparently, it was a pattern with him.

  Great, now, not only am I completely alone, but like Joey, he'll probably ask me to leave. I'll be homeless too. That didn't seem quite right in my head. I had never seen him be anything but nice to people. Well, he liked to tease me relentlessly, but not in a cruel way. I couldn't see him just ruthlessly chucking me out, with nowhere to go. But he could make me so uncomfortable that I would want to leave. I wanted to leave now. . . The thought of his surely smug, amused smile had my stomach in knots. One more notch in his bedpost, I thought glumly. Where was he anyway? Was seeing me so horrible to him, that he was purposely keeping away?

  I'm such an idiot. I vowed to never drink tequila again.

  Finally, I picked my wallowing body up and got the glass of water that I was so desperately craving. I ended up drinking three. I plugged the phone back in and stared at it for a good twenty minutes. I desperately wanted to call Denny, to tell him that I needed him and I'd made a huge mistake last night - an even bigger one than Denny was aware of. I couldn't though. My guilt was too great to talk to him. After another five minutes of blankly staring at the stupid thing, I forced myself back upstairs and into the shower, thinking I could wash away my despair. It did nothing for me though. Afterwards, I lay down in my bed, staring at a picture of Denny and me on his nightstand, and cried, yet again.

  Eventually, I had to move on from my despair, into a brand new one. I had to go to work. Numbly I dressed, arranged my hair into a loose, messy ponytail and threw on some makeup. I looked horrible, I felt horrible, but at least the room had stopped spinning and my stomach had stopped turning. Now if only I could do something about my heart. . .

  I arrived at Pete's late and hurried past Rita. I didn't need her inferring anything about my looks right now. My stomach was in knots as I threw my jacket in the backroom. I had no idea if Kellan would come in tonight or not? Would it be weird seeing him. . . after seeing so much of him? That thought made me blush as I walked back into the bar. I swept an eye over the tables, but he wasn't there, none of the band was. I took a deep breath and forced all thoughts of Denny and Kellan to the back of my mind.

  I managed to make it through half of my shift in a calm sort of numbness. I only lost it when Jenny pulled me aside and asked me what was wrong. The tears immediately started falling as I repeated the conversation Denny and I'd had last night. She swiftly gave me a hug, which brought even more tears, and told me that everything would be fine. That Denny and I were perfect for each other and things would work out. She smiled at me so reassuringly, that I felt a tiny spark of hope that maybe things would be okay. Then I remembered the second part of that evening. As Jenny gave me one final hug, I considered telling her.

  "Jenny. . . "

  She pulled back and looked at me sweetly, waiting. Her face was so open and honest. She was the best
sort of person, and I began to feel even more horrid looking at her. She probably wouldn't understand. . . she would look at me differently. Maybe she would even think the worst of me and stop being my friend. A part of me doubted that she would judge me that harshly, but I felt pretty harsh on myself at that minute, and didn't want to risk anyone else thinking that way about me. No, I couldn't tell anyone about Kellan.

  "Thank you for listening. "

  "Anytime, Kiera. " She smiled and hugged me again and we both continued on our shifts.

  About an hour later, a sound came through the front door that made me stop breathing. Evan walked through the door with his big, booming laugh. Matt followed quickly behind, ducking through the door and past Evan, laughing just as much. Numbly, I watched them. Two down. . . two to go. Griffin came in a few seconds later, looking really pissed off. He glared at Evan and Matt, who were still laughing. . . apparently at him. Flipping them both off, he turned and headed for their regular table. I stared stupidly at the door while Evan and Matt followed Griffin, still laughing. One to go. I kept staring at the door, but nothing happened. Shaking my head and feeling a little stupid, I realized he wasn't coming, he wasn't here. Was he avoiding me at the bar too? Somehow, that seemed worse than him avoiding me at home. I could feel the tears reforming.

  Jenny came up to me, putting a hand on my shoulder. "You don't look so good. . . you alright?"

  I blinked back those tears. "Yeah, I'm fine. " The roller coaster of recent emotions was taking its toll - I was exhausted.

  Jenny seemed to see that. "Go home, Kiera. "

  I shook my head, I could do this. "I'm fine, Jenny. . . just a long day. I'll get through it. "

  She started turning me towards the backroom. "Go, its dead tonight. . . I'll cover for you. " She kept her hands on my shoulders, until I reached the hallway that led to the back.

  "Jenny, really, it's not necessary. "

  "I know, I know. . . you're tough, you can stick it out. . . " She smiled at me mockingly. "Just go home. . . you can cover for me tomorrow, if you want, and I'll leave early. "

  I laughed a little. I was suddenly very tired and it sounded like a great idea. "Yeah. . . fine, okay. "

  I don't remember the drive home; one minute I was in the parking lot saying goodbye to Jenny, who said she'd check on me tomorrow, and the next, I was approaching the driveway, looking over at the empty spot where Kellan's car usually rested. Still not home. That irritated me a bit, then it made me sad, then it made me even more tired. I drug myself into the house and up into my room. Hastily, I changed into my pajamas and collapsed into bed. A few more tears leaked out, before I finally faded into sleep.

  Light footsteps on the stairs woke me, what felt like seconds later. Kellan must finally have come home. I looked over at the clock - 11:10pm. Maybe he figured I was safely asleep by now and he wouldn't have to see me. I fought back the sudden tears of loneliness stinging my eyes. I should have stayed at work. . .

  Oddly, the door to my room quietly cracked open. Great, he is going to ask me to leave, and he's going to do it now. Well, that's just a perfect end to my perfect day. Here Kellan, my heart is already broken, can you please rip it into tiny shreds for me? Maybe he'll go away, wait until morning, if he thinks I'm sleeping. The thought gave me a sliver of hope and I held perfectly still, making sure my breathing stayed slow and even.

  It wasn't going to work. Now he was sitting on the bed beside me. Jerk, I thought, irritated. He seriously can't wait to crush me until morning? I resisted the urge to sigh and tell him to go back to his room. That I would leave tomorrow. That I was not going to inconvenience him by staying. But I was still hoping he'd go away, so I kept up my fake-sleep.

  His hand rested on my shoulder and I had to strongly resist jerking my body away from his touch. "Kiera?" An all too familiar accent pierced my dark thoughts.

  Shock opened my eyes and turned my body around to the figure sitting next to me on the bed.

  "Denny. . . ?" Tears were in my eyes immediately. Was I still sleeping? Was he real?

  He smiled, his warm eyes glistening as well. "Hey," he whispered.

  "What. . . why. . . how. . . ?" I couldn't quite form a coherent question in my confusion.

  He put his hand on my cheek and brushed away a tear. "You're my heart," was all he said.