Effortless Page 19

Chapter 19

 

  Okay

  There was a flurry of activity in the parking lot when I got out there. Guys were loading the vans and busses, band members were hanging around, talking about the show. Even some stray fans were hanging around. I didn't see my sister and Griffin anywhere, but Evan had stopped Kellan halfway to the bus, and was handing him his guitar as they talked for a moment.

  By the time I caught up to Kellan, he didn't seem peeved anymore. He smiled over at me and grabbed my hand. Evan clapped his shoulder and darted onto the bus after Matt.

  As all the other guys started loading onto the busses, I looked up at Kellan. "Are you leaving?"

  He looked down at me and shrugged. "Yeah. " He pointed over to a bright-eyed bus driver drinking a very large cup of coffee. "They rotate the drivers so someone is always ready to go. Since we can sleep in the busses, we don't stay in one place unless we've got another show nearby. " He tilted his head at me. "Our next one's in Reno. " Pausing, Kellan raised an eyebrow at me. "You could come with? Catch a flight home from there?"

  Slinging his guitar over his shoulder, he laced his arms around my waist. I wrapped my arms around his, smiling at the thought of a very long bus ride with him. Then I frowned, considering the logistics of it all, plus the roundtrip ticket burning a hole through my duffel bag. "I already have a ticket home, and it's from here. . . "

  I shrugged, hating that I couldn't be as impulsive as my sister. She wouldn't think twice about hopping on a bus to destinations unknown. Kellan pursed his lips, thinking. "Well, what if I get you a ticket from Reno to here?" He leaned into me, grinning mischievously. "Then you could still use your ticket. "

  I leaned up and kissed his chin, glad that he wasn't too angry over my admission that I hadn't really trusted him. "I don't want you to spend your money on me, Kellan. "

  He leaned back and shrugged. "Who else am I going to spend it on?" Shaking his head, he added, "Besides, this would be for me. " Pulling me close, he rested his head against mine. "I want some more time with you. "

  Sighing contently, I conceded. "Alright, but only if Anna goes too. I don't want to leave her alone here. "

  Kellan grinned and started leading me toward the bus. "I'm sure she's attached to Griffin as we speak. " I cringed, knowing that was probably correct. . . in every sense.

  And sure enough, when we hopped back on the bus, the sounds of someone having a good time drifted back to us. I flushed instantly; Kellan only grinned and shook his head. As the sound of something vibrating mixed in with clear sounds of approval, I closed my eyes, horrified, remembering all of the. . . toys. . . Anna had packed.

  Leading me to an empty seat where he'd tossed my bag earlier, Kellan set his guitar down and nodded towards the curtained area. "I could go get my Discman, if you don't want to listen to them?"

  I grabbed his arm, embarrassed for Anna, even though she probably wouldn't have cared if he walked in on them. "No!"

  Chuckling, Kellan sat on the same side of the table as me and grabbed my hand. "It's okay, they're probably in the back bedroom. "

  I looked over at him and frowned. "There's a back bedroom?" He hadn't seemed to be leading me that way earlier?

  Kellan twisted his lips as he tilted his head. "Yeah. . . Griffin's kind of taken it over though, so I figured you wouldn't want to. . . hang out in there. "

  I twisted my lips at just the thought of doing anything remotely intimate near places Griffin. . . laid in. "Yeah, no thanks. "

  The driver hopped on the bus, taking a count of his rock stars. Frowning as he clearly heard what we all heard, the paunchy man sighed and said, "Alright, which one's back there? I don't want to have to go look. . . again. "

  A cluster of boys shifted their attention from the back of the bus to glance up at the driver. Laughing, one of them replied with, "It's just Griffin back there. "

  The bus driver rolled his eyes and shook his head. "Why am I not surprised?" Sighing, he headed to the driver's chair; it was plush, more fitted for steering a sleek spacecraft than a bus. As he started it, the rumble of the engine helped to block out my sister's cries for more, but not nearly enough.

  Hating all of the boys listening to her, their eyes staring through the heavy fabric like they'd all developed the ability to see through it, I twisted to Kellan. He wasn't looking, but his head was down and he was smiling to himself. Hoping he wasn't envisioning what every other horny guy on the bus was probably envisioning, I muttered, "Are you mad at me?"

  Looking over at me, his small smile faded and he shook his head. His finger came up to tuck a lock of hair behind my ear as he quietly said, "No, I'm not. " Sighing, he searched my eyes. "I get it, Kiera. I get why you'd have doubts, I get why you'd question. . . " Closing his eyes for a second, he looked down at our hands resting between us. "I wish. . . "

  Not finishing that, he looked back up at me. "It's okay, I get it, and I'm not mad. "

  I exhaled slowly and nodded. Then he put his arm around me and I cuddled into his side. He kissed my head and we stared out the window, watching the streetlights blur past as we made our way through the city.

  Just as I was starting to be lulled to sleep by the gentle rocking of the vehicle, a chorus of cheers erupted in the bus. Startled awake, I lifted my head off Kellan's shoulder just in time to see Griffin bowing. He'd finished with Anna, apparently, and they'd finally come out of hiding. As he walked out of the back, he high-fived some guy in the closest seat.

  Grossly enough, it was the same douche that had walked in on Kellan and me. The man sneered behind Griffin's back but immediately stopped when Anna walked out. Then his jaw nearly hit the floor. That made me smile for some reason. . . probably because I knew the jerk would never get a chance with my sister. I may not understand her infatuation with Griffin, but she did have standards.

  And Anna was someone every guy wanted, the female equivalent to Kellan. Nearly every jaw dropped as the beauty walked past them. She looked like a movie star, fresh from filming a love scene, with her hair perfectly messy in a way that only made her more appealing, and yet her makeup still looked completely flawless. I had no idea how she pulled off looking so great after a romp like that. If it had been me, I'd look. . . less than great.

  Anna smiled seductively at the crowd watching her, even reaching out to tousle one of the boy's hair; his smile was a little idiotic as she sashayed past. And they all leaned in to check out her ass. It made me roll my eyes, but I was used to that sort of thing. Anna too. . . it didn't even faze her.

  She followed where Griffin was heading, and that, unfortunately, was to us. With a content sigh, he sat in the bench opposite us, unceremoniously tossing my bag out of the seat and onto the table. Anna sat next to him, her smile equally satisfied. At the very least, they pleased each other. Hopefully this was enough to satisfy Anna for a while.

  Griffin smiled over at me, then Kellan. "Bedroom's free, if you want it?"

  I was already shaking my head when Kellan said, "We're good, thanks. " No way was I giving this audience a performance like my sister just had. . . not stone cold sober anyway.

  Kellan watched some of the guys retreating to their "rooms," and looked back at me. "You want to get some sleep? You look tired. "

  Griffin chuckled, clearly hearing dirty words in Kellan's innocent question. Then he reached over to Anna and cupped her braless breast. When he murmured to her, "I just can't get enough of these," and leaned down to kiss one through her shirt, I cringed and looked up at Kellan.

  "Yes. . . please. "

  Threading her fingers through Griffin's hair, Anna laid her head back and closed her eyes, enjoying his attention. As Kellan and I stood up, she huskily said, "See you in the morning, sis. " Peeking one eye open, she added, "Have fun. "

  I smirked at her, resisting the urge to smack Griffin off her chest. Pausing in my escape from them, I told her, "We're catching an early flight tomorrow to Boise, then back home. "


  She closed her eyes, nodding, not caring in the least how or if we got back home. I sighed as I walked away, wishing I could be that cavalier.

  A few guys that were still awake whistled at Kellan and me retreating through the curtain, one even clapping his shoulder. Shaking my head, I hoped they weren't too disappointed that nothing was going to happen. Well, no, after seeing their faces watching my sister, I sort of hoped they were a little disappointed.

  Some of the bunks were full, their occupants already snoring, as Kellan helped me get into his in the bottom. I laughed a little as I got in. It kind of reminded me of summer camp. A really tight summer camp.

  I laid on my side and backed as far into the wall as I could, to give Kellan as much space as I could. He laid on his side too, facing me, tangling his legs with mine. Pulling up a thin blanket near our feet, we cuddled into each other as best we could. Lying so close on the pillow that our noses touched, we smiled at each other.

  He gave me a soft kiss as he reached a hand back to thread it through my hair. My heart increased a little as the intimacy of the moment surged through me. I found his lips in the near-dark, wanting to just kiss him for a while.

  Light and languid, our lips moved together like we'd never been apart. Pulling back for a second, Kellan whispered, "I've missed this. . . I've missed you. "

  I leaned back, studying his face in the soft light. "I've missed you too. . . so much. "

  Just as my heart was swelling, staring at him as he stared at me, a voice above us said, "Less talking. . . more screwing. "

  A chuckle went around the room and I flushed, remembering that we weren't as alone as we seemed. Kellan thumped the ceiling of his bed with his fist. "Shut it, Mark. "

  I buried my head in Kellan's chest and he chuckled, rubbing my back. In my ear, he whispered, "I could finish what I started earlier. . . if you want to-"

  His hand slinked down to my hip, rubbing over the back pocket and a part of me instantly did want him to finish. I knew I'd never be quiet enough though, not with how close we all were packed together, and I really didn't need to be embarrassed around every band member on this tour.

  Biting my lip, I sighed and reluctantly shook my head. Kellan smiled, his hand coming back up to brush my face. "Another time then?"

  I nodded and pulled his head down to me, so we could at least kiss a little bit.

  I couldn't remember where I was when I woke up. I wasn't even really sure if I was awake at all. As Kellan's arms were wrapped around me, my head resting on his chest, I felt like I was still dreaming. It wasn't an absurd thought-I often dreamt of Kellan. Running my hand over his pecs, I wondered when I'd wake up. Probably when I got to the good part, that's when it always happened.

  Sighing, I kissed his chest, wishing that, for once, this dream would let us finish. Exhaling contently, his arms squeezed me tighter. "Mornin'," he breathed into my hair.

  It sent a shiver down my back and I smiled. Peeking up at him, I whispered, "Am I dreaming, or am I really waking up with you?"

  He smiled down on me, adjusting himself so he could see me better. "You dream about waking up with me?"

  I nodded, propping myself up to look over his body under the thin blanket. I frowned slightly. "You're usually naked in my dreams, though, so I must be awake. "

  Quietly laughing, he pulled me back to his chest. "You're usually naked in my dreams, too," he murmured, kissing my neck.

  A thrill went through me, but it was halted by the snoring, coughing, and the occasional. . . unseemly noises going on around us. Kellan frowned. "Sorry, smelly bus of boys. . . not exactly romantic. "

  I sighed and stroked his face. "It's better than nothing. " His hand clenched over mine as we settled onto his pillows, facing each other. Remembering the many ups and downs yesterday, I rubbed my thumb over his. "Hey, you mentioned that you wanted to tell me something last night. . . what was it?" I whispered, not sure if I was ready to hear it.

  Kellan looked down, then back up. "I. . . " He looked past me, at where his phone was tucked in his cubby. "I. . . " Frowning slightly, he searched my face for a moment, then smiling, he shrugged. "I didn't tell you the bad part about getting signed. "

  I blinked, not expecting the conversation to go that way, and also having a horrid feeling that he'd just smoothly changed the subject. "What?" I whispered, lead forming in my stomach.

  Looking down, he shook his head. "As soon as the tour ends in May, they want us in L. A. , to record the album. " He looked back up at me, his face apologetic. "In the meantime, the guys and I will be spending every free moment we have going through our songs, picking out the best ones. . . perfecting them. " He shrugged. "We have to be ready when we get there. . . "

  I sighed, my heart cracking a little. "You're basically telling me that you won't have any time to spend with me. . . for a while. . . aren't you?"

  He swallowed, shaking his head. "I'm sorry. . . we need to do this, so I won't be able to visit, like I'd hoped. I'm sorry. "

  Now I swallowed. "It's okay. . . I understand. " I looked down as I considered all of the moments together that we'd already missed, that we were going to miss. . . our first Valentine's Day as a couple had already gone by, the flowers he'd sent me long wilted. Our anniversary was fast approaching, in a couple of weeks, mid-March. Kellan's birthday was in April, mine was in May. My graduation. . .

  My eyes snapped up to his, watery. "Could you make it back in June?"

  He nodded, cupping my cheek. "I'm not missing your graduation. . . no matter what. I don't care if I have to walk out on a recording session. . . I'm not missing it, Kiera. "

  I smiled and sighed, knowing that I'd at least get to see him then. . . three months from now. And after that. . . I supposed they'd be touring again, to promote the album. As a little bit of sadness washed over me, he held me close and rubbed my back. So quietly that I almost didn't hear him, he whispered, "And there was something you wanted to tell me?"

  I stiffened, not wanting to say it. He'd never go to L. A. if he knew that Denny was back in my life. He'd flip out if he realized that Denny was the friend that I was having lunch with, quite frequently. But really, I didn't want to tell Kellan about it. . . because I knew, with everything in me, that he'd lied about what he'd wanted to tell me. I was sure that the bit about not coming home was true, and it probably was something that he'd wanted to mention, but I was also sure that it hadn't been on his mind last night. I was sure it had nothing to do with whoever was calling him.

  I bit my lip, not sure what to tell him. Propping myself up to look at him, I shook my head. "I love you, Kellan, and you've got nothing to worry about when it comes to me, but I don't think I can tell you just yet. "

  Frowning, he sat up on his elbows. "What? Why not?"

  Guilt sweeping over me, I shook my head. "You're just going to have to believe in me. "

  His mouth dropped open a little and he glanced at his phone really quick. His mouth closed and I knew that he understood. He knew that I was aware that he hadn't really told me anything. That what he'd briefly wanted to tell me last night, and what he'd ended up telling me this morning, were two entirely different things. My eyes watered as I waited for him to open up, to tell me the truth. His eyes glossier, he only stared at me.

  Swallowing, he nodded. "Okay," he whispered, and it broke my heart.

  Kellan and I cuddled a lot and kissed a lot, but we didn't talk a lot after that. I felt a gap between us, and I hated leaving him with a wedge there, scared that it would only be driven deeper if we were apart. But he wasn't opening up to me, and I couldn't open up to him. There was no way around it but for one of us to cave, and I knew that neither of us would. . . not in the short time we had.

  Sometime after I'd fallen asleep last night, Kellan had arranged a flight for Anna and me. When the bus finally arrived at its destination, Kellan arranged for a car to pick us all up later in the afternoon, just so we could spend as much time together
as possible. Surprisingly, when it was time to go, Griffin came out to the airport to see us off. I wanted to take that as a good sign, but really, Griffin could've just wanted to get away for a moment.

  Saying goodbye in the drop-off area, I searched Kellan's face, silently begging him to talk to me, and equally terrified that he would. Cupping my face, he kissed each cheek, then rested his head against mine. "Don't be mad about the flight," he murmured.

  I gave him a sullen expression as I glanced at the departure board behind him. He'd booked us tickets straight back to Seattle, making my roundtrip ticket from Boise pretty much worthless. Shrugging at my expression, he smiled. "You have to work tonight. You don't want to have to mess around with a layover. "

  I sighed, knowing he was right. Shaking my head, I kissed him. "I know. . . thank you. "

  Kissing me back, he muttered, "Worth every penny. "

  Pulling back from him, ignoring Anna and Griffin molesting each other beside us, I tilted my head. "Kellan. . . ?"

  He raised his eyebrows, looking a little nervous and very reluctant. "Yeah?"

  I almost put my hand out and asked for his phone. I wanted to. Especially when it had chirped this morning as we were eating breakfast. He'd ignored it, like he always did, and it drove me crazy, like it always did. But prying through his phone was not the girlfriend that I wanted to be. I'd asked him to believe in me, I'd have to do the same.

  Exhaling slowly as I shook my head, I whispered, "I'll miss you. "

  He smiled, looking relieved. "I'll miss you too. I'll call you tonight, okay?"

  I nodded, giving him a final kiss before heading to the gate. Kellan waved as I walked down the hall, dragging my sister with me. Twisting around as the boys disappeared, Anna giggled and leaned into my side. "See, Kiera, I told you that would be a blast!"

  I contained the frustrated sigh I wanted to make. It had been many things, some good, some bad, but none of it was what I'd refer to as a blast. Well, maybe the concert part. . . that had been a lot of fun. And holding Kellan, kissing him, falling asleep with him, smelling his scent again. . . that had been fun too.

  Smiling up at her, I nodded. "Yeah, you were right. It was. . . a blast, Anna. "

  She giggled almost the entire way home.

  I was a little melancholy after my adventure with Anna to Boise, thinking about how long Kellan was going to be gone, wondering just what he was keeping from me, wondering how to tell him what I was keeping from him.

  Denny, still attentive, even though he had no reason to be, noticed.

  Sipping on a green beer, green in honor of today's Irish holiday, St. Patrick's Day, Denny watched me during my shift, concern clear in his warm eyes. It had been two weeks since I'd left Kellan's side, two weeks without any clear answer from him on what he was doing. And Kellan hadn't asked again about what I was doing either. He understood that if I was going to open my door for him, he'd have to open his door for me. And he didn't seem to want to do that.

  Sighing as I cleaned off an already-clean table, I felt Denny step up behind me. Looking back at him, dressed in his very debonair work clothes, I watched him look up to where Poetic Bliss was performing on the D-Bag's stage. "It's strange, isn't it? Having someone else play up there?"

  I smiled and glanced up to the stage, watching Tuesday jam out a solo on her guitar. Tuesday. . . ridiculous name. "Yeah, it's definitely. . . odd. "

  "You alright, Kiera? You've seemed down since your trip. Something happen in Boise?" Denny looked back at me and raised his eyebrows, holding my gaze.

  I bit my lip and looked down at the table. No one else had asked me about my mood. No one else had even noticed, not even Jenny. Of course, she'd missed the impromptu trip and had been a little sullen about the whole thing. It had surprised me a little, since Jenny was so easygoing about everything, but she missed Evan as much as I missed Kellan, so I understood her being a little snippy. . . even though I apologized for not inviting her every chance that I got.

  "I don't know," I admitted. "Maybe. . . "

  I looked back up at him, at his bunched brows and the honest concern in his features. "You want to talk about it?" he asked softly, just over the volume of the music.

  Knowing I really didn't have anyone else at the moment to talk about it with, I nodded. "Want to come over after my shift?"

  Denny smiled softly and nodded. "Sure. I'll meet you over there. I'm sure everything will be fine, Kiera. " He patted my shoulder before turning and walking away.

  I smiled at him, amazed by him, and watched as he twisted to go chat with Sam, leaning against the far wall. I've thought it before and I'll probably think it again, Abby is a very lucky lady.

  Anna was surprisingly already in bed when I got home, so I was quiet as I put on some water for tea. I didn't generally like the stuff, but if I could put a good dose of honey and a lot of milk in it, it wasn't so bad. But Denny loved it like I loved coffee, so I did it for him.

  About ten minutes later, a small knock signaled my ex's arrival. Smiling at his timing, I unlocked the door and I let him in. He gave me a brief, friendly hug, which I returned. Smelling the tea, he walked over to the small kitchen with a goofy grin on his face. "I was just having a craving. " He leaned over the cup, inhaling the Earl Grey. "And my favorite, too. " He faked a surprised expression. "How did you know?"

  I shook my head at him, enjoying the way his accent formed phrases, tweaked syllables, made any plain word interesting. "You're such a dork," I muttered, laughing a little.

  Straightening, he grabbed the cup that wasn't half milk. "That's why you love me," he said, starting to drink from it. Realizing what he'd said, he stopped and shook his head a little. "Well, I guess loved would be more accurate. "

  Denny's face got a little hard on the word and I leaned against the counter and sighed. He may seem completely fine and over what had happened, but he wasn't, not a hundred percent. I didn't blame him. Personally, I couldn't believe he was in my kitchen at all.

  Knowing he didn't want any more apologies from me, I shrugged and said, "No, love is still accurate. " Sipping his drink, he gave me a look that was both curious, and guarded. Clarifying, I said, "You're my best friend, remember? And best friends love each other. "

  Setting the drink down, he smiled at me crookedly. "Yeah, I suppose. " Frowning slightly, he shook his head and crossed his arms over his chest. "So, friend, what's going on with you?"

  Watching my untouched cup cool on the counter, I swallowed my pain and my pride. "How did you know I was cheating on you?" I whispered, my heart surging as the guilt hit me like a brick wall. I'd never wanted to ask him that question, but it was suddenly relevant.

  I couldn't look at him, but I heard his expression in his silence. I could easily picture his contemplative eyes, slightly filled with pain, but also concern. Finally, his accent filled the room, thicker, like it sometimes got when he was hurting. "You think Kellan's cheating on you?"

  I glanced up at him, only mildly surprised. My question hadn't been all that hard to draw conclusions from. . . and Denny was brilliant. "I don't know. . . maybe? How did you know? What did I do to make you first start to think it?"

  I swallowed again, hating what I was making him say to me, what I was making him talk about. Swallowing, he looked down at his cup. "Uh, I don't know how to answer that, Kiera. " He looked up, his dark eyes a little darker. "It was more a feeling than facts. You were. . . distant, secretive, like you were holding something back, something you wanted to tell me. . . but couldn't. "

  My eyes watered, catching the similarities. Denny sighed. "He is cheating on you, isn't he?"

  Not able to answer, I only shrugged as a tear dropped to my cheek. Denny watched it fall, but stayed where he was. "I'm sorry, Kiera. I'm not surprised, but I am sorry. "

  I blinked and straightened. "You thought he would cheat on me?"

  Uncrossing his arms, Denny ran a hand back through his hair. Looking uncomfortable,
he sighed. "Look, I know you love him, but I've known him a long time, and he's not. . . " He looked at the ceiling for a second and closed his eyes. Reopening them, he met my eye again. "I like Kellan, I do, but he's not cut out for a relationship with one person. That's never been his style, Kiera. I'm sorry this is happening now, but honestly, I'm more surprised that it didn't happen sooner. "

  My jaw dropped as I stared at him. I felt like he'd just punched a hole in my heart. It was one thing to have those fears silently, it was another for one of Kellan's friends to confirm them. And even though Denny had good reason to make me hate Kellan, playing that sort of mind game wasn't his style. He wouldn't have said it, if he didn't believe it. Of course, Denny didn't know Kellan as well as I did. Denny only knew a small chunk of Kellan's past.

  Walking over to me, he grabbed my hand. "I'm sorry to have to say that to you, I really am, but you should understand who you're involved with. And Kellan. . . doesn't know how to be faithful, Kiera. He just doesn't. "

  More tears building, I quickly swiped them away. "You don't know him like I do, Denny. You don't know what he's been through, the pain he fights, how much he's been tortured. You think he just got beat up as a kid, but it's so much worse than that. . . "

  I shut my mouth, not wanting to spill anymore of Kellan's secrets, they weren't mine to spill. Denny bunched his brows at me and frowned. "A bad childhood doesn't make up for being a. . . for screwing around on people. You can come from a brutal background and still be a decent person. It doesn't give you a free pass to hurt people. "

  I sighed and looked down. "I know. . . I'm just saying that there's more to Kellan's story than you know. "

  "Like what?" he whispered.

  I looked up at him but shook my head. "It's not for me to say, I'm sorry. "

  Denny nodded, his eyes looking a little sad as he realized just how close Kellan and I really were. "Well then, maybe I'm wrong. " Exhaling, he shook his head. "But if you think he's cheating on you, Kiera. . . then he probably is. "

  I felt another tear drop down my cheek and Denny brushed it off. "I'm sorry," he whispered. I nodded and he added, "Did you tell Kellan about me being back in town?"

  Sighing, I shook my head and stared over at the card table. A vase full of bright red roses dressed up the space, the week-old bouquet still in its full glory. Kellan's anniversary present to me. He'd had them delivered to Pete's, but I hadn't been feeling well and had gone home early. I hadn't gotten them until the following night. We'd missed each other on the celebration of our year together, and it felt horribly symbolic.

  Denny leaned over to meet my eye. "Why didn't you tell him? And don't tell me that it was because you were sparing his feelings. That may be part of it, but what's the real reason you didn't tell him?"

  I stared at Denny, wishing I could just walk away from this painful conversation. Knowing I couldn't, I shrugged and whispered, "He's hiding something from me, and if he was going to hide something from me. . . then I wanted to hide something from him. "

  A sob escaped me as I admitted that, and Denny wrapped his arms around me, finally. I held him close as my tears of fear and frustration took me over. Hating myself, for feeling what I felt, for admitting it to Denny, I took a brief moment to completely fall apart. Denny only held me, not commenting as he rubbed my back. I could only imagine that he was thanking fate that his new relationship wasn't so complicated.

  When I could breathe again, Denny released me and freshened up our tea. Moving to sit on the couch, I told him everything I worried about-the fans, the exotic record rep that could probably pose for all of the major fashion magazines, the weird texts and phone calls that Kellan hid from me, the fact that Kellan knew I was holding something back. . . and he let it go, because he didn't want to talk about what he was holding back.

  Denny listened, not really commenting on Kellan's behavior. He also didn't try to dissuade my fears by giving me false hope. Once he heard all of the facts, he never once told me it was nothing, or it would be okay, or I was overreacting. He only listened and nodded, and I suddenly realized why people gave each other unfounded reassurance. Not hearing, "It's probably nothing," from the person you were divulging your fears to, made those fears seem completely warranted, even if you didn't have enough proof to back them up.

  When I was done, and I had nothing more to say, Denny picked at a seam in the couch, maybe wondering what to say as well. I watched him, feeling empty and tired inside. Then he spotted something and leaned into the ugly, orange sofa. Using both hands, he pried something out of a hole in the fabric, a hole I barely registered anymore.

  When he pulled out a piece of paper, my heart stubbornly skipped a beat. It was one last love note from Kellan, a remnant of the game he'd left for me when he first went away, what felt like a lifetime ago now.

  Denny opened it while my eyes watered. He read over it for a moment before he handed it to me. In a soft voice, he said, "I think this was meant for you. "

  Hands shaking, I reached out for the paper. Blinking away the water forming in my eyes so I could read it, I held my breath.

  I hid this one in the hopes that you would find it long after I'm gone. I hope you find this months from now, when I'm still out there, on the road, away from you. I can't imagine what the time apart has done to us. I'm hoping we're closer. I'm hoping we're more in love than ever. I'm hoping that when I come back, you'll move in with me. In all honesty, I'm hoping that when I come back you'll agree to marry me someday. Because that's what I want, what I dream about. You, mine, for the rest of my life. I hope you feel the same. . . because I don't know what I would do without you. I love you so much. But, if for some reason we're not closer, if something has gotten between us, please, I'm begging you. . . don't give up on me. Stay. Stay with me. Work it out with me. Just don't leave me. . . please.

  I love you, always, Kellan