Thoughtful Page 19

  “Nope,” I answered, my beer close to my face.

  There was a moment of silence, then Denny again tried to strike up a conversation with me. “How’s the band going?”

  “Good,” I replied. Did we have to talk? Couldn’t we just sit here, silently, until it was time to go home?

  Denny asked a few more questions, then gave up. I could tell Kiera was annoyed at me, but I didn’t care. Sitting here with them sucked ass. I was doing the best I could. Eventually the band started up, which alleviated some of the stress at the table. After a while, Denny pulled Kiera onto the dance floor. Even though I wanted to ignore them, I watched them relentlessly. They moved together perfectly, and it was obvious that dancing was something Kiera loved to do. Her flirty black skirt swirled around her body, her loose hair blew in the slight breeze. Her cheeks flushed a rosy pink that almost matched the shirt underneath her sweater-jacket. She was breathtaking, and watching her with another man was excruciating.

  Girls asked me to dance, but I turned them all down. There was only one girl I wanted my hands on, and she was currently being twirled around by my best friend. Our night was just beginning, and I already wanted it over with. I couldn’t do this. It was too hard.

  It was getting colder outside, and I was getting colder inside. This was hell for me, and nobody seemed to notice or care. I was utterly and completely alone. I should just leave right now. Drive off with only the clothes on my back and the guitar in my car. What else did I need? Nothing.

  Kiera and Denny came back from dancing, breathless and happy. I stared at my empty glass, wishing I could stick my head in it and disappear. I could feel Kiera’s disapproving eyes on me, but I didn’t care. So I can’t fake happiness anymore. Sue me.

  I was just thinking of excusing myself for the evening when Denny’s cell phone suddenly rang. Denny answered it while I discreetly peeked up at Kiera. She hated that damn phone. More often than not, when it rang, Denny left. Kiera was frowning at Denny while trying to make it look like she wasn’t upset. After a second, Denny swore and shut his phone. “Battery died.” He met eyes with Kiera. Hers narrowed. “Sorry, I really need to call Max back. I’m gonna check inside, see if I can use their phone.”

  I returned my attention to my glass. If he was leaving, I should too. Kiera told him, “No problem, we’ll be here.” I could tell that she was trying not to sound agitated, and I could also tell that she was. I’d heard them arguing about Denny’s boss before. Denny was doing anything he could to impress the man, and that included being his errand boy. Frowning, I wondered if I should wait for him to come back, like Kiera said, or just get up and walk out right now. What did it matter if I was gone?

  Denny stood up and kissed Kiera before he left. I sighed and tried to get comfortable in my chair. It was impossible for me to feel anything other than uncomfortable though. I shouldn’t be here, listening to them make out right in front of me. I was so sick of hearing their lips smacking all the time. That was another thing I wouldn’t miss.

  Once Denny was gone, Kiera turned her attention to me. “You said you were fine with this. What is with you?”

  I met her eyes. Battling my churning emotions, I told her, “I’m having a fabulous time. What could you possibly mean?” Watching you and Denny fawn all over each other is awesome. Just plain awesome.

  Kiera looked away, and I could tell she was struggling with her emotions as well. She looked about ready to slug someone. “Nothing, I guess.”

  My patience snapped. Exactly. Nothing. I was nothing. I am nothing. And staying here and pretending nothing happened is fucking insane. Something did happen, and it meant something to me. You mean something to me, so seeing you play house with Denny while you pretend I don’t exist is no picnic. It fucking sucks.

  Setting down my glass, I stood up. Staying was pointless, I was out of here. “Tell Denny that I was feeling ill…” I considered adding on to the lie, but I didn’t even have it in me to do that. Let him think what he wanted. With a shake of my head, I told her, “I’m done.” I’m absolutely, completely, 100 percent done with this shit.

  As if she understood that I wasn’t talking about merely hanging out tonight, that I was done with all the chaos of my life, Kiera slowly rose from the table. I narrowed my eyes as I watched her, daring her to speak. Go ahead, call me out. I don’t fucking care. When she didn’t say anything, I turned and headed out the gate. It figured that she had nothing to say.

  I was halfway to my car in the parking lot when I heard the gate crash closed and heard Kiera yell my name. “Kellan! Please, wait.”

  There was panic in her voice, and it shot straight to my heart. I can’t wait for you when I never had you…

  Slowing, I looked over my shoulder and sighed. She was practically running to catch up to me. Why? What did she care if I left?

  “What are you doing here, Kiera?” What are you doing out here, what are you doing with me? What the fuck am I to you?

  She grabbed my arm, turning me toward her. “Wait, please stay.”

  I batted her arm away. She didn’t have the right to touch me. She shouldn’t touch me. She only cared about Denny. I saw that every time they spoke, every time they kissed. She loved him. I stared at the sky before meeting her eyes. I felt like I was losing my mind. “I can’t do this anymore.” I’m going insane, because I love you, and you don’t give a shit. So why are you here, staring at me like that?

  Her wide eyes searched mine. She looked scared. “Can’t do what…stay? You know Denny would want to say goodbye to you.” Her voice trailed off, like she knew this wasn’t about Denny. Not really.

  Pain gnawed at my stomach. I couldn’t lie. I couldn’t give her a snide response. I couldn’t even laugh it off. I was drowning in pain, and truth was my only outlet. “I can’t stay here…in Seattle. I’m leaving.”

  Just saying the words tore me apart. I didn’t want to go, but staying here with her wasn’t an option anymore. It would be like willingly dunking myself in boiling water. Impossible.

  Tears sprang into Kiera’s eyes. She grabbed my arm again and held on with a fierceness I’d never seen from her before. “No, please, don’t leave! Stay…stay here with…with us. Just don’t go…”

  She started to sob, and the tears ran down her cheeks like rivers. I’d only ever seen her this upset about Denny. When he left she’d cried like this. Why was she crying for me? No one ever cried for me. No one. “I…why are you…? You said…” I swallowed back the confusing emotions that were making speech impossible. Why was she crying? What did this mean? I didn’t want to hope, but a trace amount of the feeling was bubbling up through the despair. Did she care about me? Honestly care?

  I stared past her. I couldn’t watch the confusing tears anymore. “You don’t…you and me aren’t…” You don’t care about me. I know you don’t. Do you? “I thought you…” You love him. I was a mistake. I’m the only one who cares here, that’s why it hurts so much.

  Exhaling a steadying breath, I met her eyes again. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’ve been cold, but I can’t stay, Kiera. I can’t watch it anymore. I need to leave…” My voice trailed off in a whisper as horror flashed through me. I’d told her the truth. I’d put my heart out there, and she could cut me. Again.

  She looked shocked by my confession, but that was her only reaction. Grief welled in me. No, she didn’t care. I turned to leave, but she yanked my body into hers and yelled, “No! Please, tell me this isn’t because of me, because of you and me…”

  “Kiera…” Yes, that’s exactly what this is about.

  She brought a hand to my chest and stepped closer to me. The tenderness and proximity sent a shock of desire through me. I still wanted her. I still loved her. It eased the pain, but not the confusion. “No, don’t leave because I was stupid. You had a good thing here before I…”

  I retreated from her by a half step. It was the farthest I could push her away, because I didn’t want to push her away. I wanted her closer…so much closer.
“It’s not…it’s not you. You didn’t do anything wrong. You belong to Denny. I never should have…” I sighed as the truth hit me like a ton of bricks. This was never her fault. All this time I’d been angry at her, and I was the one to blame. I had known she loved Denny. I had known she was masking her pain with me. But she hadn’t known that I loved her. She hadn’t known she meant anything to me at all, so how could she possibly have known that she’d hurt me? I’d vanished right afterward, then grown cold, then grown distant. She was never mine to take. She was Denny’s, and I was a bastard for ever going there. “You…you and Denny are both…”

  Tears still streaming down her face, she stepped closer and pressed her body against mine. Her touch burned like fire…and I was so cold. “Both what?” she asked.

  I couldn’t move; I could barely breathe. I wanted her more than I’d ever wanted anyone, but this wasn’t right. We weren’t meant to be…but I needed her so much. “You’re both…important to me,” I whispered, meaning every syllable.

  She brought her lips so close to mine, I could feel her breath on my face. My heart started racing. She was so close. Another inch…and she’d be mine. “Important…how?”

  Say it. Just say it. Tell her that you love her. Tell her that she’s all you think about, and every bad mood or dick comment you’ve ever made was because she hurt you. Confess, goddammit.

  Why? She’s with Denny. It won’t change anything.

  I shook my head and stepped back again. “Kiera…let me go. You don’t want this…” You don’t want me. “Go back inside, go back to Denny.” Where you belong.

  I moved my hand to pull her off me, but she batted my arm away. “Stay,” she commanded.

  Warmth and pain battled within me. No one had ever asked me to stay before. No one had ever shed tears over me before. She did care. She had to. But she cared about him too…and I didn’t know what to do about that. “Please, Kiera, go.” Before we both get hurt even more…go.

  Her beautiful eyes were a deep emerald green in the semidarkness. They searched mine as she spoke. “Stay…please. Stay with me…don’t leave me.”

  Her voice broke as she begged for herself, not for Denny. This no longer had anything to do with Denny. This was about her and me. A tear rolled down my cheek, and I did nothing to stop it. She wanted me to stay with her. She cared about me. She wanted me. Me.

  But as much as I wanted to pretend it was just the two of us in this parking lot, I knew we weren’t alone. And I couldn’t do that to him. He meant a lot to me. But I’d never had this…I’d never had anyone want me. I’d never been wanted at all. Warring with myself, I muttered, “Don’t. I don’t want…” I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to get hurt. So what do I want?

  Her palm touched my face then, and her thumb brushed away the track of my tear. Her warmth seared me. It traveled all the way down my body, igniting me. My breath stopped as my eyes locked onto hers. I wanted her. Now. But I still couldn’t do this.

  Her other hand reached up to grab my neck. She pulled me until our lips brushed together. I almost crumpled to my knees, it felt so good. She closed her eyes and pressed her lips against mine again. I stiffened, but moved my lips with hers. Jesus, I’d missed this so much. I’d missed her so much. I wanted her so much. I loved her so much. But still…

  “Don’t do this,” I whispered to myself between our hungry lips. This will only hurt us…all three of us. Be strong enough to walk away. Stop this. Her lips pressed harder against mine. Even as pain leached out of my throat in a whimper, my willpower dissolved. “What are you doing, Kiera?” What am I doing?

  She paused with her lips brushing mine. “I don’t know…just don’t leave me, please don’t leave me.” The truth and pain in her voice were undeniable—she wanted me.

  Her eyes were shut, so she couldn’t see the smile on my face. I won’t. I won’t ever leave you. “Kiera…please…” I’m yours…take me. My resistance faded away with a shudder, and I sought her mouth. I needed her. I’d always needed her. And she wanted me to stay…she wanted me with her…she wanted me. And I was hers.

  My lips parted and my tongue brushed against hers. She moaned in my mouth and feverishly tasted me again. She wanted more. I wanted more. Now that we were chucking all common sense out the window and going for this, desperation was driving us. The needy energy bouncing between us electrified me. I wanted to rip her clothes off and drive inside her. I wanted her body clutched around me. I want to feel her skin dampen with sweat, wanted to taste every inch of her, wanted her to cry out my name as she came. My body was ready for her. My heart was ready for her too.

  She wanted me…

  I pulled us backward as our mouths frantically moved together. There was an espresso stand in this parking lot. I’d seen it on the way to my car. Kiera and I needed privacy to keep going with this, and there was no way in hell I was stopping now. I loved her, I needed her, nothing else mattered. No one else mattered.

  My back hit the door of the espresso stand. Kiera pressed me into it, her body squeezing into mine. Fire spread throughout my body, and my breath quickened as my cock hardened. I needed her so much. I slipped my hands under her shirt to feel the smooth, soft skin of her lower back. I wanted to feel more. We needed to be more alone than this.

  I reached behind me to open the door. If this fucking thing wasn’t open, I was going to bust the goddamn door down. One way or another, I was getting inside. Luckily, the knob twisted under my grasp. Thank God for careless employees.

  Pushing away from the door, I shoved it open. Kiera and I locked eyes as our mouths broke apart. There was so much passion and desire in her gaze…it tore me. And I swear…I swear I saw something else there too. Something deeper. Something that made risking everything we were about to risk worth it. I replayed every kind word and gentle touch that she had given me. She cared. She was worth it. She was worth anything.

  My body was aching. I needed to be with her. I slid my hands down her back, clutched her thighs, and picked her up. Once we were inside the dark stand, I released her and closed the door. We stood there for a moment, panting. The electricity between us grew as the darkness amplified our senses. Her arms were tight around my neck, my arm was cinched around her waist. I couldn’t believe we were here, together, wanting the same thing from each other…needing the same thing.

  I love you, Kiera. So much. Let me show you how much, in the only way I know how.

  Holding her tight to my body, I sank us to our knees. As soon as we were steady on the floor, Kiera started attacking me, ripping clothes off my body. My chest was bare in seconds. Her fingers drifted across my body, over my nipples, along my ribs, tracing the deep lines that led all the way down to my groin. God, I wanted her hand wrapped around me. I wanted those soft, firm fingers to squeeze me, stroke me. Please…touch me.

  A deep groan broke free from my lips, then I sucked in a quick breath. I felt like my head was spinning, like I was drunk, dizzy, overwhelmed. I’d never needed anyone so much in my life. Kiera let out an impassioned moan when I dropped my mouth to her neck. I trailed kisses across her sensitive skin while I slipped her jacket off her shoulders. She started squirming in impatience when I unbuttoned her shirt.

  Even though I was doing it as quickly as I could, it wasn’t fast enough for her. She ripped her shirt off and I caressed her with my eyes. God, she was perfect. Shapely, seductive, sexy as hell. I ran my palm down her skin, over her breast, down to her waist. A loud, arousing exhale broke the stillness of the air. It sent shock waves straight down my fully erect cock. Yes…

  I ran my hand back up her skin, teasing her nipple underneath her bra. She arched into me, sought my mouth again. God, I bet she was so wet…for me…

  Reaching out, I lowered her to the ground. We were in the storage area of the espresso stand. Bags of coffee beans on the shelves and along the ground made the entire place smell like our favorite morning drink. Something we shared almost every day. It seemed only fit
ting that we would cave in to our desire for each other here. Our relationship had practically started over coffee.

  Once we were resting on the dirty floor, Kiera raked her nails along my back. I moaned my delight. God, yes, that felt good. She pushed my hips away so she could unbutton and unzip my jeans. We were both breathing so hard, I thought we might pass out soon. While her fingers worked, I groaned and inhaled through my teeth. God, yes, please touch me, Kiera. Please.

  She shoved my pants down my hips, then just stared at me, straining against my underwear, desperate to be with her. This is all for you…please, touch me.

  Then, like she’d heard my silent plea, her fingers trailed down the length of me. I dropped my forehead to hers, gasping. God, yes…more. Her hand curled around me, lightly pushing and pulling. Oh God, yes…I need you. I love you.

  My lips pressed against hers, frantic. My hands scrunched up her loose skirt, then I ripped off her underwear. I needed to be inside her. Now. In my ear, she moaned, “Oh, God…please, Kellan…” She wanted me. Me. She loved me. She had to.

  I shoved my underwear down, out of the way, then pushed into her. Kiera whimpered as she bit my shoulder. I buried my head in her neck, needing a minute to recover from the wet warmth throbbing around me. Jesus…fuck…so good. You feel so good. This feels so right. I love you so much…

  Kiera raised her hips, moving me into her. Waves of pleasure rippled down me, and I pressed hard inside her, needing more. So much more. “Harder,” she groaned. Grabbing her hips, I drove into her again and again. I’d never felt anything like it. The pent-up desire, the sadness, the desperation, the loneliness, the passion, it was all culminating in the best sexual experience I’d ever had. I never wanted it to end, and yet I couldn’t wait to come with her.

  “God, Kiera…” I murmured as our bodies rocked together. “God…yes…God, I love you…” I whispered, the sound getting lost in her skin.

  She moaned and pulled me tighter. Our movements became faster, deeper, harder. I gripped her tight, knowing I was probably hurting her, but I was too close to exploding to care. Kiera thrashed underneath me, crying out again and again as the pleasure built up to an uncontainable level. Lost in the moment, I cried out too. I’d never felt a climax so strong. Every nerve ending was on fire, tingling, building up with tension that needed releasing. Kiera started moaning in an escalating rhythm. God, yes, please, come for me…come now.