Thoughtful Read online

  I looked down, wondering if she would see my heart on my sleeve; I desperately wanted to be with her tonight. Keeping my gaze on the table, I said, “Stay with me tonight.”

  “I stay here with you every night,” she replied.

  Amused by the confusion in her voice, I peeked up at her. “No…sleep with me tonight.”

  She seemed shocked by my suggestion. “Kellan! That is not going to—”

  I had to laugh. Her mind was in the gutter, just as often as mine was. I hadn’t meant it in a sexual way though. “I meant literally…fall asleep with me on my bed.”

  Embarrassed by what she’d assumed I meant, she looked away. When she finally returned her gaze to me, she said, “I don’t think that’s such a good idea, Kellan.”

  I gave her a carefree smile. This didn’t have to be a big deal if we didn’t let it. I just wanted to sleep with my arms around her…no harm in that. “Why not? Completely innocent—I won’t even get under the covers.”

  Considering it, she raised an eyebrow in question. “Completely dressed too?”

  Ecstatic that she was maybe going to say yes, I laughed and stroked her fingers with my thumb. “Sure. If that is what you’d prefer.”

  She laughed, then smiled. The way her lips curled up made my heart skip a beat. “It is.” Euphoria burst through me. She was saying yes. My high didn’t diminish at all when she frowned. “You’ll let me know the moment it gets too hard.”

  I couldn’t believe that she’d just said something so suggestive. I turned away, trying to be mature and not laugh. The sexual tension between us was so thick that I often walked around a little hard.

  “You know what I mean,” she whispered, embarrassment in her voice.

  A laugh escaped me as I looked back at her. “Yes, I know what you mean…and yes, I will.” Happiness flooded me as I gazed into her tranquil hazel eyes. “You really are adorable…do you know that?”

  With a smile on her lips, she looked away from me. “Okay…we’ll try it,” she told me in a soft voice.

  As I beamed at her, a strange sadness washed over her face. I knew she was worried she was making a mistake with me, that she would cross her self-imposed line of restraint and cave in to the lust that swirled around us. I hated seeing the guilt on her; it was a reflection of my own.

  I don’t want to hurt him either, Kiera. I care, just as much as you do, which is why nothing will happen tonight. I promise.

  Since it was Friday, the D-Bags were playing at Pete’s. Before we began the set, I told Evan we were adding in the song “Until You.” He looked at me funny, then nodded. “Until You” was the sappiest song in our catalog, and Evan was usually the one to request it. In fact, I think he had requested it every time he was swooning over some girl; Matt and Griffin had nicknamed the song “Evan’s Whipped Again.” Evan had written the bulk of it—it was one of the very few D-Bags songs written by anyone other than me—so I guess it made sense that it was his go-to romance song. It was weird for me to ask for it, but I couldn’t help it. Kiera had changed my life, given me something to live for, hope for, and as discreetly as possible, I wanted to let the world know.

  I tried not to look at Kiera while I sang it, but I somehow hoped she knew the song was for her. Everything was for her. I spied her talking to Jenny during the song, but I couldn’t tell if she was listening to the lyrics, if she was somehow understanding the hidden meaning behind my words. I love you, and only you.

  When we got to the last song of our set, I let the crowd know there wouldn’t be an encore tonight. I had a mattress to lie on and a sexy-as-hell girl to hold. I got the eager crowd’s attention by holding my hand up. “Ladies…and you guys, of course.” I paused for the screams and shouts. “Thank you for coming out tonight. We got one more for you; then we’re baggin’.” I peeked over to where Kiera was watching me. “Plans and all.”

  It was hot under the lights, and sweat covered my forehead and dribbled down my cheeks. With the hem of my shirt, I wiped some of the wetness off my face. The fans watching my every move went nuts, and from somewhere in the back of the bar, I heard Rita yell, “Take it off! Woooooo!”

  Amused, I grinned at her, then looked over at Kiera standing in front of her. Kiera seemed both embarrassed and intrigued by the thought of me stripping down. Laughing at the idea, I looked around at the guys to see if they had any objections to it. They seemed fine with it; whatever amped up the masses.

  Since I was high on life, I decided to give the fans what they were craving. Reaching down, I grabbed the edge of my shirt and pulled it up. The sound in the bar grew deafening as more of my skin was exposed. It made me laugh. When it came to visual stimulus, men and women were more alike than they cared to admit.

  Tucking my shirt into the back of my jeans, I turned to Evan. He eyed my half-naked body with an amused raised eyebrow. I shrugged and told him, “Could be worse. I could be in chaps.”

  While Evan laughed, I told him the name of our closing song, “All You Want.” I signaled him to go and he immediately started the intro. Facing the front of the stage again, I gripped the microphone and ran a hand through my hair. The fans were in a frenzy. It was chaos, excitement, noise, and adrenaline. It gave me a rush, and I was already buzzing just thinking of my upcoming slumber party.

  While I played with the crowd, stretching out to make contact with the ones near the front, I glanced toward the bar. The entire staff was back there watching me…even Kiera. She was boring holes into me, like she couldn’t get enough, and it turned me on to have her hungry eyes staring at me like that.

  When the song was over, I took a small bow to thunderous applause. The crowd tonight had been very vocal. Maybe I should be half-naked more often. After I slipped my shirt back on, some of the girls started booing. I shook my head as I laughed. No, in some ways, girls weren’t that far off from boys. Kiera was still watching me at the bar, and I gave her a huge grin. I loved having her eyes glued on me. I loved that we were going to cuddle later…all night long. For once, I wasn’t going to wake up alone. I found that thought exceptionally comforting.

  When Kiera’s shift was finally over, I felt giddy. I couldn’t stop smiling. Did love turn everyone into an idiot? Or was that just me? When she was ready to go, I led her out of the bar with my hand on the small of her back. It felt so natural to be touching her that for the moment, I didn’t even care if anyone saw.

  Once we were outside, I grabbed Kiera’s fingers and started singing “All You Want” again. I thought she would enjoy hearing me sing it to her, but she frowned. “What?” I asked, perplexed.

  She pouted, but I could tell it was a forced expression; she wasn’t really upset. “Didn’t we have a conversation once, about the nature of your singing?”

  I laughed and gave her innocent eyes. “What was wrong with that?” Pointing back to the bar, I told her, “I was fully dressed for nearly all of the set.”

  She tried to poke me with her elbow, but I scooted away from her. Then, because I was in such a damn good mood, I ran up behind her and picked her up. She squealed in surprise and tried to get away, but I had her tight. When I finally set her down, I kept a firm hold on her. You’re not going anywhere. Not tonight. Tonight…you’re mine.

  As we walked toward my car, locked together, I told her, “I did that for Pete.”

  She stopped moving and I ran into her back. She turned around to look at me and her eyes were wide with shock. “Oh…OH!”

  I had no idea why she looked so startled. I ran through my words, trying to hear what she’d heard, and then it hit me. She’d thought I’d stripped for Pete. Literally.

  Releasing her, I backed away. I had to clutch my stomach, I was laughing so hard. The image of Pete fawning over me was just too much. Priceless. “Oh my God, Kiera! No, that’s not what I meant.” I was tearing up now, and had to wipe my eyes dry. My natural high was making this moment even funnier than it normally would have been. If I’d been on cloud nine before, she’d just lifted me to clo
ud ten. “God, I can’t wait to tell Griffin about that.”

  Kiera didn’t find the moment as funny as I did. Her cheeks were flaming red, and I realized I was embarrassing her by laughing so much. I tried to control myself; it was difficult. “Ahhh…and you think I have a dirty mind.” Sorry, babe, but you’re just as freaky as I am.

  I slipped my arms around her and let out a slow, steady, calming breath. When I felt like the uncontrollable urge to laugh had subsided, I said, “Didn’t you hear the response when I did that? You watch, tomorrow the bar will be twice as full. He’ll have to turn people away. I did it to help him, Kiera.” Shrugging, I rocked her back and forth, savoring the connection I felt between us.

  Her expression shifted from annoyance to understanding. “Oh…well, I guess that makes sense. You bring in more people, he makes more money, you get more exposure, and I’m assuming more money as well…”

  I really didn’t give a rat’s ass about the money I made, but she had the basic idea down. “Something like that.”

  Her lip curled into the sexiest half smile I’d ever seen. My breath caught in my throat. I wanted to taste her skin, feel her softness, lose myself in kissing her…

  “I guess I’ll just have to allow it then,” she told me. Then she leaned over and kissed my cheek.

  Warmth burst across my face where she’d touched me. Not wasting a second, I kissed her cheek in return. She blinked, surprised, and a euphoria-filled smirk curved my lips. “If you get to break a rule…so do I.”

  I gave her a wink, then started pushing her toward the Chevelle. I was ready for the cuddling portion of our evening to begin. I was ready for a lot of things to begin.

  As we got into the car, Kiera commented, “You’re awful perky tonight.”

  I couldn’t contain my smile. “It’s not every night that I get to sleep with a beautiful woman.” Honestly, I couldn’t even remember the last time I’d slept all night with a girl. I was pretty sure I never had. If a girl came over for sex, she left soon afterward. If I went somewhere for sex, I left afterward. Cuddling had never even been suggested before. Kiera didn’t know it, but tonight was a first for me.

  As I started the car, I noticed that she seemed a little uneasy about my remark; she’d taken it as dirty again. She also seemed a bit…sad. To ease her mind that we weren’t doing anything overly wrong, I told her, “Hey, I said sleep, not fu—”

  Her tone was sharp as she interrupted my coarse language. “Kellan!”

  Her displeased expression was so distracting that I had a little trouble thinking up a different term to use. I sifted through F words until I found one that was slightly more savory. “Fu…or…ni…cate?” She had to give me props for trying.

  Laughing, she scooted across the seat until she was pressed into my side, then she laid her head on my shoulder. Heaven.

  When we got home, Kiera disappeared into her bedroom. For a moment, I thought she was going to back out of our arrangement. Disappointment instantly surged over me. I wanted this so much it hurt. It took her twenty minutes, but she eventually stepped out of her room, fully dressed. She was even wearing a sweater. I laughed as I looked her over. All that was missing was a set of gloves, a hat, and maybe a hazmat suit, and she’d be as protected from me as she could be.

  As she stepped into the bathroom to brush her teeth, I playfully asked her, “Are you sure you’ll be warm enough in that?” She rolled her eyes as she shut the door, and I laughed. This is happening.

  When she was finished, I changed places with her. As I stared at myself in the mirror, I heard her walk into my bedroom. She was in my room. Closing my eyes, I exhaled a slow breath. I could do this. I could keep it light, carefree, casual. I wouldn’t mess up and scare her away by going too far. Even though I wanted nothing more than to kiss every inch of her body, I would be good. The connection was what mattered, not the physical stuff. When I reopened my eyes, I glanced at my reflection. I still had sort of a glow about me, thanks to the layer of dried sweat on my face. I ran the water, made it as warm as I could tolerate, then rinsed my face. When I was done, I patted myself dry and looked again. I still seemed to be radiating. Maybe it was Kiera giving me the glow. With a shake of my head, I brushed my teeth. I was hopeless. Absolutely hopeless.

  When I got back to my room, Kiera was standing in the middle of it, staring at the bed, her expression torn. I considered asking her what she was thinking about, but then she might want to talk about us. I wasn’t ready for that. There was safety in silence.

  I indicated the bed, which she seemed reluctant to get into. “Go ahead. It won’t bite you.” With a laugh, I added, “I won’t either.” Keep it light, keep it playful.

  She looked back at me with an amused smile, then took a deep breath and crawled under the covers. Like I told her I would, I lay down on top of the covers. It was an odd way to sleep, and I was pretty sure I was going to freeze my butt off, but I’d put up with anything to be with her. Accepting my chilly fate, I rolled over onto my side to face her. I slung my leg over hers and draped an arm over her stomach. Even through the blankets between us, it felt amazing to be next to her. It felt right, like I belonged beside her.

  Stretching across her, I turned off the light on my nightstand. Darkness blinded me, but my other senses sharpened. I could smell the flowery fragrance of her shampoo as I laid my head down beside her and pulled her close. I could hear her soft breathing. My heart pounded in my chest, and I was instantly aware of every section of my body that was touching hers. What I wouldn’t give to be under the covers with her. To have nothing between us, no sheets, no clothes…no secrets, no walls.

  “Kellan…” Her voice sounded a little strained, like she was struggling.

  “Yeah?”

  “Could you please turn the light back on?”

  A soft laugh escaped me at her question. My closeness was getting to her. That made me happy. I wanted to get under her skin.

  Reaching across her again, I flipped the light back on. I blinked in the harshness, and immediately missed the intimacy of the dark. Without light on us, it was easier to pretend that we weren’t doing anything wrong…that we weren’t skirting around a very dangerous cliff, where only pain and suffering were waiting for us if we fell.

  Shaking off my morose thoughts, I lightly asked her, “Better?” Settling back down on the pillows, I propped myself up on an elbow so I could look down at her. Her eyes were more golden than green tonight. Honey, with emerald flakes. Gorgeous.

  She seemed mesmerized as we stared at each other. Then all of a sudden, she blurted out, “Who was your first time?”

  Her random question caught me off guard. “What? Why?”

  Looking embarrassed, she swallowed. “Well, you asked about Denny and me. It’s only fair.”

  Now I was embarrassed, and I studied my sheets. I shouldn’t have gone there, shouldn’t have asked her that. Damn curiosity. “I guess I did, didn’t I?” I peeked up at her. “Sorry about that…that really wasn’t any of my business.”

  She gave me a victorious smile. “Just answer the question.”

  I laughed as she used my line against me. Touché. Thinking back through my numerous dalliances, I tried to recall the details about the girl who’d taken my virginity. Bright blue eyes, platinum-blond hair, and a smile that promised a good time instantly filled my mind. I couldn’t remember her name…I’d always called her Marilyn in my mind. Marilyn Monroe. Classy, curvy, and kind of slutty.

  While I recalled the past, a funny expression formed on Kiera’s face, like she couldn’t believe I had to think about it. I suppose it was a lot easier for her; she was still dating her first time. I laughed at her look, then told her, “Well…she was a girl from the neighborhood, sixteen, I think…very pretty. She seemed to like me…” Remembering just how much she’d liked me, I smiled. “It was just a couple of times one summer.”

  Her expression changed and her voice came out quiet, like she was afraid her question would hurt me. “Oh…why, what
happened?”

  She seemed so serious about it that I couldn’t resist teasing her, and a part of me was curious if she’d believe me if I said something outlandish. Running my fingers through her hair, I murmured, “I got her pregnant and she had to move in with her aunt to have the baby.”

  She immediately flipped to her side to face me. “What!”

  Laughing, I poked her nose. “I’m just kidding, Kiera.”

  With a grunt, she pushed me away. “That’s not nice.”

  I sat up on my elbow again. “You bought it though. You must think the worst of me.” By her tone, I could tell she hadn’t doubted my story…because deep down, she thought I was the kind of person who would just abandon someone in that situation. She thought I would run if things were too hard. And I almost did run from Kiera. Was that why she didn’t trust me? Was I trustworthy? Look at what I’d done to Denny. “I’m not a monster, Kiera.” I may have broken Denny’s trust, but I’d never break hers.

  Kiera propped herself up on her elbow and faced me. “You’re no angel either, Kyle.” She grinned at me in such an appealing way that I had no choice but to return her smile. I supposed she had a point. “So, what really did happen to the girl?” she asked.

  I shrugged. The real story wasn’t all that interesting. “Nothing so dramatic. She went to her school, I went to mine. Different paths…”

  Confusion passed over Kiera’s eyes. “I thought you said she was a neighbor. Why were you in different schools?”

  My face went blank as I realized my mistake. I couldn’t tell her the truth, that I was incredibly young. Illegal young. Kiera wouldn’t understand what I’d been going through, what my life had been like, how sex had been my only comfort from endless torture. No, all she would see was my age. She’d be disgusted, think horrible thoughts about me. I didn’t want Kiera to think I was a sex-addicted monster. And I didn’t want her to think I was broken, messed up…so lonely I could barely stand myself. I didn’t want her to see the dark spots inside me. I wasn’t ready to open up like that. Just the thought made me nauseous, so I gave her the vaguest answer I could think of. “We weren’t in the same grade.”