Thoughtful Read online

  Kiera leaned over and kissed my tear away. Her warmth seared me to the core. I need you…so much. As she pulled away, I turned toward her mouth. I didn’t mean to; it was an instinct driven by pure need. I need the pain to end…this is the only way I know how to end it.

  Our lips brushed together, but neither one of us moved. Afraid to move, afraid to break this connection that was second by second depleting my grief, I held my breath. I wasn’t sure how long we sat that way, our lips pressed together, Kiera’s hands on my cheeks, but eventually I needed air. I needed to breathe, and she was the best thing I could think to inhale. Surely she’d fill the void in my chest better than oxygen ever could.

  I opened my lips to suck in air…and Kiera kissed me.

  Her lips moved against mine, and the tears nearly returned to my eyes…it felt so good. I returned her kiss immediately, and we softly moved against each other. I couldn’t believe she was letting me do this, and by the way she was trembling, I thought she couldn’t believe it either. The movement was warm, tender, full of depth and meaning, but it stoked a fire within me, and it wasn’t long before I wanted more…so much more. I wanted to feel her all over, kiss her all over, love her all over. I wanted all of her.

  Grabbing her neck, I pulled her in for a deeper kiss. Our tongues brushed together and she groaned, then pushed me away. I instantly realized my error. I’d let it happen again, broken her rule about how close we could and couldn’t get. She was going to freak out on me, leave me. She’d be gone. I’d be alone. I couldn’t handle that, especially right now, when I still felt so vulnerable.

  “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I thought you’d changed your mind.” Please don’t change your mind. Please don’t go.

  Kiera’s face was a mixture of confusion, guilt, sadness, and desire. “No…that was my fault. I’m sorry, Kellan. This isn’t working.”

  All of my fears were wrapped up in that one sentence. She couldn’t end this. I didn’t know what I’d do without her. Leaning forward, I grabbed her arm. “No, please. I’ll do better, I’ll be stronger. Please don’t end this. Please don’t leave me…” Don’t ever leave me. I love you. I can’t live without you.

  Kiera bit her lip, clearly troubled by my passionate plea. “Kellan…”

  I couldn’t lose her. “Please,” I begged, searching her face for some sign of hope. Don’t leave me.

  A tear ran down her cheek and she choked on her words. “This isn’t fair. This isn’t fair to Denny. This isn’t fair to you.” Her voice trembled. “I’m being cruel to you.”

  Sitting up on my knees, I grabbed both of her hands. “No…no you’re not. You’re giving me more than…Just don’t stop this.” Please…I’ve never had anything even close to this. I love you so much. Don’t go…

  She was dumbfounded by my response. “What is this to you, Kellan?”

  I looked down. I couldn’t tell her. I didn’t know what she’d do if she knew the truth. If she knew what she really meant to me, she’d run away. She’d definitely end this. I needed to bring back the carefree, casual playfulness that we’d had before. I just didn’t know how to do that at the moment. “Please,” I murmured, hoping it would be enough.

  She let out a sigh heavy with disquiet. “Okay…okay, Kellan.”

  I looked up at her, relieved. I’d get to keep her. At least for today, I’d get to keep her.

  The week continued on peacefully after the park incident. Kiera and I didn’t talk about it again, and I was grateful for that. We also didn’t talk about how things were surely and slowly escalating between us. I was torn on that problem. I wanted us to go back to friendship; I wanted us to steamroll right into a sexual relationship. I wanted both sides of the coin with her—passion and companionship. But she already had a partner on the flip side of her coin. A partner who was growing increasingly aware of his girlfriend’s distracted attitude.

  I was in the kitchen with Denny one morning, finishing my coffee while Kiera was upstairs taking a shower. Denny glanced up at the ceiling, then back down at me. “I can’t wait anymore. I have to go…Will you tell Kiera goodbye for me?”

  I froze with my mug to my lips. Denny looked sad, and wary, and…worn. I instantly felt a tidal wave of guilt building in my chest. Setting my cup on the table, I nodded. “Sure, no problem.”

  He nodded in return, his eyes distant. “She used to always walk me out, no matter what was going on between us. I know I’ve been working a lot, but…it’s like she’s not even trying anymore, like she doesn’t care that we’re drifting…” he muttered, clearly talking to himself. I clenched my jaw as Denny’s comment cut right to the quick. Yes, Denny’s unyielding commitment to his subpar job was a kink in their relationship, but I was pretty sure I was the real reason Kiera wasn’t as attentive as she used to be. I was causing him pain by taking away a part of the person he loved the most. I hated myself for that. He didn’t deserve any of this, but I was incapable of changing anything; I needed her too much.

  “She’s probably just preoccupied with school…work.” Me.

  Denny looked over at me like he’d forgotten I was there. Guess he hadn’t meant to say all of that out loud. He rarely aired their problems directly to me. I wasn’t sure if that was out of respect for Kiera, or out of fear that I might somehow take advantage of the chinks in their armor. Normally I would tell him that I’d never go there, I’d never hurt him like that…but I already had. I’d already fucked everything up, so I didn’t offer him any meaningless assurances. It was the least I could do.

  Giving me a smile that still looked sad, he said, “Yeah, well, I’ll be glad when her sister gets here. Maybe hanging out with family will help.”

  I could only nod. God, I was such a bastard. I should stop hanging out with Kiera. I should stop testing the limits of our relationship. I should stop dreaming about her, thinking about her, hoping for a future with her. There was no future there. Stealing her away, which I would never actually be able to do, would kill Denny. And I loved him too.

  Not knowing what to tell him, I said, “Yeah, we picked a dance club to take her to. It should be fun.”

  Denny tilted his head and his dark eyes narrowed. “We? Kiera told me that she found a spot she thought Anna would like. You helped?”

  I could see the unasked question in his eyes and I immediately started backpedaling. I should never have lumped Kiera and me together. We weren’t a “we.” “I was standing there when she asked Griffin.” That was almost true. I had asked Griffin where we should take Anna, but Denny didn’t need to know that. I gave him a playful, mischievous smile. “You don’t want to know where he first suggested taking her.”

  The suspicion softened in his eyes as he smiled. “I can only imagine.” He laughed. With one last glance upstairs, he sighed and said, “I’m gonna be late. Catch ya later, mate.”

  “Bye, Denny.” I laid my head on the table after he left. I am a horrible, horrible person.

  When Kiera came back downstairs, I was in the living room, looking at a program running on the TV but not really seeing it. Kiera laughed as she joined me on the couch. Pointing to the TV, she said, “Sienna Sexton? I didn’t realize you were a fan.”

  I finally tuned in to what was playing—a documentary on the biggest pop star on the planet. Finding the remote, I shut it off. “I’m not,” I told her with a smile. My grin slipped as guilt washed over me. “You missed Denny leaving. He told me to tell you goodbye.”

  Kiera’s expression went from amused to horrified. “Oh…” She looked down, and seemed unsure what to do with that information. Join the club.

  She was a good person, and the paradox bothered her, which made me feel even worse. Even when I tried to do the right thing, I hurt her. All of this was so strange, complicated, and painful. I wished I could have her and avoid all the tangled bits, but that wasn’t my reality. I grabbed her hand and interlaced our fingers, reaffirming our profound connection. This was our reality, and I would hold on to it. Kicking and screaming if I had
to.

  We held each other after that, until finally it was time for us to begin our day. The afternoon went normally enough; I took her to school, picked her up afterward, took her home, and then helped her study. I took her to work, then met up with the guys for rehearsal. After fine-tuning some of our songs, the lot of us descended on Pete’s for some liquid refreshments. A pretty typical day.

  Leaning back in my chair, I listened as Matt told me about how his grandpa wanted to come up for the holidays, but he hated to fly. Pointing over at Griffin, Matt said, “The rocket scientist over there told him he should drive.”

  I shrugged. That didn’t sound completely unreasonable to me, but by the smirk on Matt’s face, there was a catch. “Let me guess, he doesn’t own a car?”

  Matt’s smile grew. “Oh no, he does. It’s parked in his garage. In his house. On Maui.”

  Griffin scowled as Matt and I started laughing. “What? There’s gotta be a ferry or some shit like that that he could take. Hawaii isn’t that far away.” Griffin grinned. “Maybe he could sign up for a singles cruise. Get lei’d while he’s getting laid.”

  Matt made a disgusted face while I laughed even more. Griffin might actually be onto something with that last suggestion. Well, minus the getting laid, of course. Unless his grandpa wanted to. He was related to Griffin as well as Matt, so he could be randy as all get out. The thought gave me a shiver and I looked around the bar to clear the image of Griffin’s personality in an old man’s body.

  My gaze passed over a table of women giggling and staring my way, obviously trying to get my attention. I continued on past them until I found Kiera. She was frowning when our eyes met. She quickly fixed her face, but too late; I’d already seen the sadness. Was she still sad about this morning, or was something else bothering her? She wasn’t having second thoughts about us—was she?

  I slowly got up and walked over to her. My heart started thudding as I approached where she was wiping down a table. If she ended this, I had no idea what I would do. When I was right beside her, I rested my hand on the table, close enough to hers that our fingers touched. “Hey.”

  “Hi.” She looked up at me with a shy smile that made her even more incredibly beautiful. My heart squeezed. Don’t end this yet. I need you. Almost like she could hear me, she straightened and stepped closer, until our bodies were touching.

  We were really close together, closer than friends would stand. Even though the bar was busy, our proximity was odd. I didn’t care though. I needed to know what she’d been thinking about. We were close enough for me to discreetly stroke her pant leg with my finger. “You looked like you were thinking of something…unpleasant. Anything you want to talk about?”

  Please, let it be anything other than you changing your mind. Don’t leave me.

  She opened her mouth to answer, but stopped when Griffin walked over and clasped my shoulder. I could have turned around and slugged him. Instead, I stepped away from Kiera so he wouldn’t notice that he’d interrupted a moment. Not that Griffin ever paid close attention to things that didn’t involve him.

  “Oh, man, you have got to see this little hottie at the bar,” he said, biting his knuckle. “She totally wants me…Think I could nail her in the back room?”

  I glanced back at the girl that had Griffin in a tizzy. A pretty woman with long, straight brown hair was sitting on a bar stool, facing the crowd. She had on a tight, short dress, and with her legs crossed, she was showing a lot of thigh. Her eyes locked on me once I turned around and met her gaze. Biting her lip, she shifted in her seat like she was so turned on she couldn’t stand it. I wasn’t sure if she was interested in Griffin or not, but somebody could probably nail her in the back room; she was definitely primed and ready to go.

  Eyes glued on me, the woman never once looked Griffin’s way. That seemed to clue him in that maybe it wasn’t him she was interested in. “Oh fuck, man! Did you already bang her? God, I hate getting your seconds. They never shut up about—”

  I was officially going to kill Griffin. Kiera hearing about the two of us sharing women was the last thing I wanted to happen. She’d be disgusted. I was disgusted. I knew it had probably happened before…but I really didn’t want to think about it, and I definitely didn’t want to talk about it. There were some things that were better left unspoken.

  I smacked him in the chest to cut him off. “Griff!”

  He didn’t seem to get the hint. But of course, he wouldn’t. “Dude, what?”

  Irritated that Griffin didn’t have more brain cells floating around his head, and that he found it impossible to think about anyone other than himself, I flung my hands at Kiera. She did not want to hear about his exploits. Or mine.

  Griffin blinked as he looked at Kiera, like he hadn’t even realized that she was there. Focused on possibly scoring tonight, he probably hadn’t noticed her. Griffin gave new meaning to the phrase “one-track mind.” “Oh, hey, Kiera.”

  Thankfully, the cock magnet at the bar drew Griffin away from us. I had no idea what to say to Kiera. She seemed bothered by the conversation, and I didn’t blame her. I was a little disturbed too. Knowing there was nothing I could say in a bar packed with eavesdroppers, I turned and went back to the table. I’d talk to her later, when we were alone. I needed to clear up this mess, and I needed to know why she’d looked upset before. I needed to know what she was thinking, what she was planning. If my heart would soon be breaking.

  Kiera seemed off as she continued her shift. I wasn’t sure why, and it worried me. I offered to stay and give her a ride home, but she turned me down. She did that sometimes, if she thought I was tired, or if she didn’t want to raise too much suspicion. I wasn’t sure what her reason was tonight, and that worried me too.

  I couldn’t sleep when I got home. My mind was spinning with doubt. When I heard the front door unlock and crack open, I sat up on my bed. Kiera’s light footsteps started coming up the stairs and I walked to my door. Opening it, I waited in the dark recess of my room until she walked by. When I spotted her, I playfully grabbed her, pulled her inside, then shut the door and backed her into it. With my palms against the door on either side of her body, I leaned in and trapped her in place. No one to bother us now.

  With our lips just inches apart, I whispered, “Sorry about Griffin. He can be…kind of, well, an ass.” I smiled, hoping she wasn’t still bothered by that little fiasco. When she didn’t say anything, I asked her, “What were you thinking about earlier?” Please don’t tell me it was about stopping this…

  In the dim light of my moonlit room, I could see her lips parting, but no words came out. She seemed frozen, and not just because I was holding her against the door. Her breath quickened and her gaze flicked over my face like she couldn’t get enough of what she was seeing. And as I watched, desire filled her eyes. She wanted me.

  “Kiera, what are you thinking about, right now?” She still didn’t answer me, only fluttered her eyes as a shiver passed through her. “Kiera?” Tell me you want me.

  My eyes roamed down the sensuous body I was longing to touch. I was suddenly, instantly aware of how close together we were, how dark and intimate my room was. My body hardened in response.

  Before I knew what I was doing, I pressed my chest firmly against hers. It felt so right, but so wrong too; we were too close, too intimate. We were crossing a line, but my reasons to stay away—the friend who was closer to me than family, the look on his face as he discussed his fears about his love life, the long-ago promise I’d made him to stay away from his girlfriend—all of those memories were fading as the bond between Kiera and me ignited. My hands left the hard wood of the door and found the softness of her body. My fingers ran down her shoulders to her waist. I stopped at her hips. I wanted to feel the smooth skin there, just underneath her jeans. If I unbuttoned them, I could slip my hands inside. She’d feel so good…

  Stopping myself, I stared deep into her eyes. “Kiera…say something.” I don’t know what’s right anymore. Help me. Guide m
e. Love me.

  She still didn’t speak, but I saw the hungry debate in her eyes, the way she tracked my every movement, the way her chest was heaving against mine. Her reasons were slipping away just as surely as mine were, and the question Why can’t we have this? was screaming around us in the silence. The unasked question bounced off the walls, reverberated in our souls, and I didn’t have a good answer this time, a reason worthy of pulling away. Kiera didn’t seem to have one either.

  Our pent-up desires had shifted into overdrive. Kiera was so riled up, so ready for me, I could almost taste it. I wanted to taste her. I wanted to lay her down and feel every inch of her under my skin. I wanted to slip inside her, hear her cry my name, watch her face when she fell apart, tell her I loved her. My control left me, and I brought my forehead to hers. So close. I could feel her breath washing over my face. Her lips were right there…beckoning me to find them. I slid my knee between hers, closing all the gaps between us. Having her so close made me throb with need. She moaned when our hips connected and I almost lost it. I couldn’t take much more of this. If either one of us was going to stop this, it needed to be now.

  I couldn’t take the teasing anymore. I needed more. I needed to act, or I was going to explode. With a low groan, I bit my lip and started running my fingers up her shirt. She was so soft, so warm, she smelled so good. Yes.

  “Please…say something. Do you…? Do you want me to—”

  She still hadn’t said anything, and I was at the end of my rope. I couldn’t stop myself anymore, and the uncrossable line evaporated. A shaky exhale left me as I angled my mouth so I could reach hers. I needed a taste. Just a taste. I ran my tongue along the inside of her upper lip. Oh God…she tasted so good. More. Yes.

  My fingers traveled over her bra, and her nipples were rigid, ready. I wanted to taste them too. I continued along her bra strap until I got to her back. That perfect, sexy back. I wanted to run my tongue down it.