Thoughtful Page 39

  “Kiera?”

  I saw her shoulders slump. She hadn’t wanted me to find her like this. “What, Kellan?”

  “Are you okay?” I asked, already knowing the answer.

  She spun around to face me, then she stopped and stared. Her eyes glistened as she swallowed a lump in her throat. “What are you doing down here?” she asked, anger in her voice. “Shouldn’t you be…entertaining?”

  Feeling stupid, I pointed at the fridge, then opened it and found the can of whipped cream. “The girls wanted…” It was obvious what they wanted, so I left it at that. Kiera looked mortified by my actions, and I supposed they were horrifying from her perspective. I should explain myself, but how? The truth was too much for me to say; a lie…too little.

  With a loud exhale, Kiera rolled her eyes and looked away. Then she closed them, and I could tell she was fighting back tears born from multiple confusing, conflicting emotions. “Kiera…” Her name came out like a caress, and I had to pause to collect myself. When she looked at me, I continued. “This is who I am. Before you got here…this is me.” Once upon a time this was me, but I’m different now…because I love you…but it does no good to tell you that, so I won’t. I pointed upstairs to Denny, the man she should be with. “That, that is you. This is how it’s supposed to be…”

  The desire to hold her overcame me, and I took a step. But then I stopped myself. If I caved now, if I touched her, we’d go back to that cycle of pain that had brought us to this point in the first place. No, I needed to keep the space between us. I needed to go upstairs and leave her. No good would come out of prolonging this agony.

  I turned around to leave her, but stopped at the door. “Good night, Kiera,” I whispered, then I left before she could respond. There was nothing to say anyway. As quickly as I could, I rejoined the two girls waiting for me in my room, and I made a promise to myself that I would not cry out Kiera’s name. Not out loud anyway.

  Chapter 24

  Bring On the Pain

  My days, afternoons, nights, and sometimes early mornings were a blur of random women. Even for me, I was exceedingly active. I was trying to stop thinking about Kiera, but she was all I ever thought about. Whenever I was with a girl, my mind drifted to her. I made love to her over and over and over again, with dozens of different bodies, but the scenario never changed in my mind.

  Kiera was the one running her hands over me. Kiera was the one placing light kisses over my body. It was Kiera’s mouth I was pressing against, and Kiera’s tongue I was brushing with mine. And it was Kiera begging me to take her.

  While my Kiera mirages were growing steadier, the real Kiera was growing icier. Every time I saw her after one of my dates, her glare practically seared my skin off. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say she’d figured out that I was making love to her on my many dates. But there was no way she could know that; I was careful to never make a peep when I was “pretending.” I couldn’t risk exposing my true thoughts, which was why I didn’t tell anyone what was going on. No one would understand.

  My friends all sensed something was off though, and asked questions I didn’t want to answer. I always brushed off their concern and expertly changed the subject. Surprising me, Denny even asked about the tension in the house. Well, he indirectly asked. One night, when Kiera was at work, he stopped me as I was about to head out to the bar. “Kellan, wait.”

  Adjusting my jacket, I looked back at him. He seemed uncomfortable, and I felt anxiety slipping into my calm façade. Did he know something? Scratching his head, he said, “First off, I’m cool with whatever you do here. It’s your place.”

  I narrowed my eyes, wondering what he was getting at. He sighed and avoided looking at my face. “It’s just…noisier around here than it used to be and…Kiera asked if I would…I told her it wasn’t my place to say anything, and that you could do whatever you wanted with whomever you…” Stopping, he put his hands up. “You know what, I’m just going to shut up right now. It’s your home, mate. You can do whatever you want. We just both really appreciate that you’re letting us crash here. So, thank you. It means a lot to us.” With a smile on his lips, he clapped my shoulder, then turned and walked away.

  All I could do was stare after him, shocked. Kiera had asked him to…what? Talk to me about my dating habits? I knew she was being frosty, but was she really so angry with me that she’d pull Denny into this? Because she had no right to be upset. None at all.

  I tried broaching the subject with her a few days later.

  I gave her a polite, friendly greeting when she showed up in the kitchen for her morning coffee. She completely ignored me. “Kiera?” Still ignoring me, she grabbed a coffee cup and started pouring a mug. Well, I guess we were returning to the realm of immaturity, where we both handled things badly. “Are you…mad at me?” God, she was cute when she was being stubborn.

  With a glare, she told me, “No.”

  “Good, because you shouldn’t be.” I’m doing this for you. To make it easier for you to let go of your…infatuation, which is all I am to you.

  “Well, I’m not…” Her response was in a snotty tone of voice that really got under my skin. “Why shouldn’t I be?”

  Did she really not get this? Did she not remember how volatile things had become between us? How awful? Did I need to call her a whore again for her to recall why us being apart was a good thing? “We both ended things, when it started getting…out of hand.” Severely out of hand.

  “I know that. I was there.” Her voice was pure ice. Regardless of what she said, she was mad at me. For what? For living? For moving on? How could she blame me for that?

  “I’m only doing what you asked. You wanted to know if I was seeing someone.” You didn’t want me, so I found something else to take away the pain. But now you want to take that too, don’t you?

  “I didn’t want secrets between us…but I didn’t want to see it!”

  So she wanted me to hide? She wanted me to sneak off to live out my fantasies so her perfect relationship wouldn’t be affected by my carousing. She wanted everything to go her way. No compromises. No compassion. She was living here with him…and I was just supposed to deal with that…but she couldn’t deal with the reverse of it? That was hypocritical bullshit.

  “Where would you have me…? I have to see it…hear it. You’re not exactly quiet either. Do you think I like that? That I’ve ever liked…” I love you, and I constantly have to hear you with another man. Done with this conversation, I stood up. “I try and understand. You could do the same.”

  The confrontation with Kiera put me in a bad mood. If I had to listen to my best friend screwing the only woman I’d ever loved, then Kiera could put up with a little pointless banging. And it was pointless. And empty. But it momentarily dulled the pain. What else was I supposed to do?

  I drove around town once Kiera left for school. She’d taken the bus, just like she had ever since we’d started distancing ourselves from each other. I didn’t know where to go or what to do, I just knew I needed to keep my mind busy or I was going to go nuts. I ended up driving to a convenience store. I picked up a six-pack of beer and a box of condoms; I’d been going through them like crazy lately.

  A cute blonde in the checkout line recognized me and started up a conversation about the D-Bags. I could tell she was interested in me, although she camouflaged her desire behind the band. After mentioning I was working on new stuff, she said, “I’d love to take a peek at anything you’d be willing to show me.” Her gaze drifted to my pants, and I knew she wasn’t talking about music anymore.

  With a charming grin, I told her, “How about I give you a ride back to my place? I’ll show you everything.” I’ll show you my body, but I’ll never show you me.

  She agreed, and we were in my room not too much later. She batted my door closed while I turned on some music. “Wow…Kellan Kyle’s bedroom,” she said, scanning the place. “It’s nice. Cozy.”

  Her roving eyes stopped on me. I considered telli
ng her that she could just call me Kellan, instead of referring to me by my full name, but I didn’t feel like small talk. I didn’t feel like talking at all.

  Finding peace in the soft music that was playing, I reached out for her. I stared at her shoulder while we danced, and in my mind, it was Kiera I was moving with. I love the way we feel together, Kiera.

  She kissed me then, and closing my eyes, I reveled in the fantasy. Kiera…yes, kiss me…

  Just kissing Kiera in my mind made me ready for more. By the time the girl unzipped my jeans, I was straining against them. “Jesus,” she murmured. “You’re so hard.”

  Yes, Kiera, and it’s all for you.

  Wanting the girl to not speak anymore, I grabbed her cheek and kissed her harder. She moaned in my mouth, then she shoved me back. “I’ve been wanting to do something to you for a really long time now.” I wondered what she meant, and how long “really long” was. Ten minutes? Fifteen?

  She pushed me back until my legs hit my bed, then she slowly pushed me down. Realizing she wanted me to sit, I complied. I was momentarily confused, until she sank to her knees in front of me…then I got it. Getting my Kiera fantasy ready, I closed my eyes. Yes, Kiera…Kiss me there…kiss me everywhere.

  The girl rearranged my clothes so she could get to me. The air against my skin was chilly at first, but then her mouth was over me, and I was suddenly warm, wet, and insanely turned on. Yes, Kiera…God, yes. More. She was working against me, taking as much of me in as she could, and I could feel my climax building already. Cringing, I clutched the sheets and bit my lip. Yes, just like that, Kiera…Don’t stop. I’m so close…

  I thought I heard something, and my pseudo-Kiera started to move off me, but I was almost there…she couldn’t go yet. She couldn’t leave me like this. Gripping her hair, I held her in place. Don’t leave me yet, Kiera. Don’t go…

  Moaning in excitement, she worked against me in a near frenzy. Yes, I’m almost…Yes…God, Kiera, I love you…Don’t stop. Don’t ever stop.

  I heard an odd noise, like a door slamming, but I was too far gone. “God, yes, I’m close…” I murmured with a groan.

  She moaned again, loving my words. I was almost panting now, and the pressure was building to a point where I couldn’t contain it anymore. I was about to lose it, about to release, when I suddenly heard the telltale sound of my car roaring to life. What the fuck?

  My Kiera fantasy shattered, and I tried to push my date away from me. She was too into it now though. “Stop,” I firmly told her, but she only moaned as she moved against me. I heard the sound of tires squealing and panic shot through me. Did someone steal my car? Holy fucking shit! If that was the case, I was about to kill someone, but first I needed this girl to get off my cock.

  “Stop!” I yelled, shoving her back. With surprise on her face, she landed on her ass.

  “Hey, what gives?” she bit out, irritated at my rough treatment.

  I cringed as the pleasure I’d been feeling shifted into pain at the absence of her attentive mouth. I’d abruptly stopped myself from coming, and now I was paying the price. Wincing, I tucked myself back into my jeans and dashed to the window. Sure enough, my baby was gone. Dread and hollowness filled my soul. My car…my irreplaceable car…was gone. She could be on her way to a chop shop right now, about to be hacked into a million pieces. Jesus. I couldn’t let this happen, but what should I do? Call the cops? National Guard? “Get Jesse”?

  “My car is gone. My fucking car is gone!” I knew I was freaking out, but I’d never expected this to happen to me. Or my baby.

  When I looked back at my date, she had a look on her face like she was sure I was certifiable. I was certain I was losing my cool rock-star status with her, but I didn’t really care. I wanted my fucking car back. I started pacing the room, wondering what to do.

  “Yeah…someone came into the house and got the keys. You didn’t hear that?” The girl had an incredulous expression, like it should have been as plain as day to me.

  Gritting my teeth, I said, “I was a little preoccupied. Heard what? What happened?”

  She shrugged and jerked her thumb at the door. “Some girl came in the house, rummaged around the next room, called your name, peeked in the door, then ran down the stairs, slammed the front door, and took off in your car.” Proud of herself, she smiled. “I have pretty awesome hearing.” Then she frowned. “I thought you knew she was watching, and that’s why you held me down. I thought maybe you liked having an audience.” She shrugged again. “I thought it was pretty hot.”

  I could only stare at her in disbelief as I processed everything she was saying. “She stole my car. She…stole…my car. No way. No fucking way.”

  My date only lifted her shoulders in an expression of Oh, well, what can you do? Narrowing my eyes, I zipped up my pants and grabbed my jacket off the floor. “We’re leaving,” I bit out.

  She raised her hands in the air. “How? She stole your car.”

  Storming out of the room, I ran downstairs. Picking up the phone in the kitchen, I dialed the first person who came to mind. Luckily for me, he answered. “Yeah?”

  “Matt. It’s an emergency. I need your help.”

  “Kellan? What’s going on?”

  “Kiera stole my fucking car, and I need a ride to get it back.”

  Matt started laughing. “She…what?” I didn’t share his sense of humor about the matter, and stayed silent. When I didn’t return his laughter or respond in any way, he coughed and said, “Okay, yeah. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

  I hung up the phone without saying a word, then yanked open the fridge and grabbed a beer. Popping it open on the counter, I chugged it until it was gone. She stole my fucking car. I couldn’t believe it.

  My date came down while I was opening my second beer. “Can I have one?” she asked. Furious, I ignored her. “Okay,” she muttered. “Well, I’m gonna catch a bus back if that’s okay with you.”

  I raised my hand in a Whatever motion.

  “Awesome. Well, thanks for…that…and I hope you get your car back.” She left the room, then left my house. I felt bad for being so dismissive with her, but then I remembered that Kiera stole my baby, and all I felt was anger. Why the fuck would she do that to me?

  When Matt finally showed up, I was sipping on my fourth beer, trying to calm down. It wasn’t working. The minute he stepped into my entryway, I stormed toward him, beer bottle in hand. “She’s at Pete’s. Let’s go.”

  Matt grabbed my arm as I stalked past him. “Wait, Kell, maybe you should calm down first. I’m sure she had a good reason?”

  Yanking my arm away, I narrowed my eyes. “I’m perfectly fucking calm. Let’s go.”

  Matt sighed but followed me out of the house. I downed the rest of my beer in his car. “You gonna be able to drive once we get your car back?” he asked.

  “I’ll be fine,” I seethed.

  “Right…”

  I didn’t wait for Matt to park the car; I shoved open his door while he was still pulling into the stall. “Jesus, Kellan,” he was saying when I shut his door and strode over to the bar. I glanced to my right and saw my Chevelle. Thank God she was all in one piece. If Kiera had dinged her though…

  I burst through the front doors of Pete’s and immediately looked for Kiera. She was back in the band’s typical section. Her eyes widened when she saw me, and she glanced around like she was going to run. She could try…but I wasn’t leaving until I got my keys.

  Matt caught up to me and put his hand on my shoulder, trying to hold me back again. “Kell, wait…”

  I jerked my body away as I spun around to face him. “You said your piece, now back the fuck off.”

  Knowing I was at my breaking point, Matt raised his hands in the air and stepped away from me. I turned back to Kiera and focused all of my ire on her. You did this to me. You loved me, used me, hurt me, wanted me, then rejected me. And then, on top of all of that, you stole one of the only things that matters to me.

 
Kiera looked afraid at first, but then she raised her chin in defiance. God, she was attractive. I wanted to suck those plump lips she was pursing at me. I wanted to grab a fistful of her hair and pull her mouth to mine. I wanted to turn her around, bend her over the table, and take her in front of everyone. I wanted to tell her I loved her.

  I couldn’t do any of those things though, so all I ended up doing was anticlimactically holding my hand out. Kiera looked mildly disappointed by my reaction. Did she want me to bend her over the table? Would that be less disappointing?

  “What?” she asked, her voice full of that snotty tone that riled me up.

  “Keys,” I said through clenched teeth.

  “What keys?” she asked, a daring fire in her eyes.

  I wanted to pull her into me so badly, my groin ached again. Matt was right, I needed to calm down. “Kiera…my car is right over there.” I pointed to where it was outside. “I heard you take it—”

  That got her attention. “If you heard me take it, why didn’t you try to stop me?”

  “I was—”

  She cut me off with a finger in my chest. “You were on a ‘date’?” She said the last word with air quotes.

  I felt like the oxygen had been sucked from the room. In all my anger about her stealing my car…I’d forgotten just what she’d seen. She’d walked in on a girl giving me a blow job. Yes, I’d heard several things between her and Denny that I wished I hadn’t, but I’d never seen anything before. I think I’d go nuts if I did. Is that what happened to her? Well, it shouldn’t matter, even if she had seen something.

  My composure returning, I snapped out, “So? That gives you the right to steal my car?”

  With her chin even higher, she retorted, “I borrowed. Friends borrow, right?”

  Well. That was the root of our problem, wasn’t it? There was always more between us than friendship. Seeing a bulge in her front pocket, I took a chance that she was holding my keys there and dived in. “Hey,” she said, trying to smack me away.