Thoughtful Read online

  It was too late though, I had them. Clenching the keys tight, I held them up to her. I didn’t want to say what was tumbling through my mind, but in my anger it slipped out. “We’re not friends, Kiera. We never were.”

  Turning, I stormed away from her. I knew she wouldn’t understand what I meant by my statement, and I knew she’d probably take it in a negative way, but I was too pissed off and turned on to care. She’d gone too far.

  I felt like shit after leaving the bar. But I really hadn’t said anything that wasn’t true. Maybe there had been a split second in our relationship when the term “friend” could have been applied to us, but the minute Denny left town, we had changed. Friendship was impossible to go back to once love entered the picture. And I loved her so much…

  When I eventually made it home, I went up to my room, shut the door, and turned on some music. I needed to think. I needed to be alone. With melancholy melodies as my backdrop, I pulled out a journal and began scribbling down lyrics. Most of them were nonsense, but a few might be usable. One in particular seared me: You’ll never know me, ’cause I’ll never let you in.

  Wasn’t that the truth? Why was honesty so much easier on paper?

  I woke up early the next morning with my notebook still clenched in my hand. A half-finished thought was tumbling down the page in an ominous descent toward nothingness. Staring at the sloppy words in the dim light of the lamp I’d left on, I tried to recall what I’d been thinking when I’d scratched them down. The moment was lost though, the words forever forgotten. Yet another lyrical victim of my subconscious.

  Sliding off the bed, I started my morning workout routine. When my abs were burning from repeated crunches, I switched to my arms. After I finished with numerous push-ups, my upper body was trembling. My mind spun. I needed to say something to Kiera. I couldn’t let my harsh words linger between us. There was already too much between us.

  Trudging downstairs, I tried to find the energy to start some coffee, but I didn’t have enough. I sat at the table, head in my hands, and debated what to say to Kiera. A simple “I’m sorry” seemed best, but also not enough.

  I heard Kiera coming into the room and peeked up. She was frowning at me, definitely unhappy. I started to speak, but Denny appeared right behind her and I shut my mouth. Kiera’s lips twisted into a small smile, then she turned to face Denny. “I know you’re dressed already, but do you want to run up and take a shower?”

  My heart clenched at the look of innuendo on her face. I knew what she meant by that. So did Denny. I studied the table while Denny laughed and told her, “I wish I could, babe, but I can’t be late today. Max is on a rampage with the holiday coming.”

  “Oh. It could be a quick shower?” Kiera teased. I knew she was only doing this to hurt me, and all thought of apologizing to her vanished.

  Congratulations, Kiera, you got me back. If you’re going to play that game, then I will too, and if you can take it, then so can I. Bring on the pain.

  Chapter 25

  You’re Mine, I’m Yours

  Things got even icier at home after Thanksgiving. Kiera openly flirted with Denny in a way she hadn’t while we were “flirting,” and I continued dating. There was a spark in the air though, a How do you like this? vibe between Kiera and me, like we were in a who-can-hurt-whom-the-most contest. I hated it, and I knew we were both being childish and immature, I just didn’t know how to stop myself. Every time she caressed Denny while giving me a sly glance, it just made me want to get back at her. And when a golden opportunity to hurt her fell into my lap, I gladly took it…

  I was at Pete’s, hanging out with the guys, when a girl with bright red curls approached me. Confidence on her face and in her step, she walked right up to me, sat on my lap, and put her arms around my neck. “Hey, Kellan. Why haven’t you called me yet?”

  It took me a minute to place the petite woman nestling against my privates like she was used to being there. Her name escaped me, but I remembered running into her before—while I’d been giving Kiera a tour of the university campus. That had been mildly embarrassing at the time, but now it was kind of convenient. By the glare Kiera was giving us, I was sure she knew who the girl was. Good.

  Putting my arms around the girl’s waist, I shrugged and shook my head. “I washed my jeans with your note still in my pocket. I didn’t have your number.”

  The girl giggled and pulled my face into her breasts. “Oh, well, that makes sense, I guess.” I glanced over at Kiera. When our eyes met, I gave her a look that let her know I knew she knew her.

  It was wrong and petty, but purely out of spite, I stayed close to the girl all night long, and when we left the bar at closing time, we went straight back to my place and indulged in some after-hours fun. I liked the fact that I knew it would drive Kiera crazy to hear us together. And the girl played her part well—she was one of the most vocal women I’d ever been with.

  But even still, after my date left, I felt bad about the encounter, and even lonelier than before. Everything I was doing to try to help me forget Kiera was having the opposite effect. I was thinking about her more and more. How much longer could I keep this going?

  The following Monday, Pete decided to institute Griffin’s marketing suggestion to get more people into the bar during the week—two-dollar shots until midnight. At the time, I’d thought Pete was crazy for listening to any idea that came out of Griffin’s mouth, but I had to hand it to my bassist, he was right about this one. The bar was packed.

  Of course, the real reason behind Griffin’s recommendation became apparent easily enough; the bar was bursting with buzzed college girls, Griffin’s preferred dating “target,” although he was having a hard time finding anyone who could live up to Anna in his eyes. Kiera’s sister had raised the bar for him, and everyone else was falling short. For the first time ever, Griffin was frustrated over the lack of good poon in Seattle. His words, not mine.

  He was giving it the ol’ college try though. He had a pair of blond sorority types giggling in the corner. Matt and Evan were having a good time too. Evan was fawning over a girl who’d come in over the weekend, and Matt was talking to a girl so tiny, I think I could lift her in the air with one hand, possibly one finger. As for me, I was making do with the best of a bad situation the only way I knew how. I was lining up a date for the evening with a cute brunette who’d been all over me all night. She was a touch aggressive—she’d already asked me if I wanted to go down on her in the back room—but I didn’t care. The more forceful the girl was, the easier it was for me to get lost.

  I’d turned down her suggestion of the back room. For one, I’d go home alone if I had sex with her right now, and I didn’t want to be alone tonight. And secondly, it felt wrong to do it here, in Kiera’s workplace, while Kiera was here. It would be akin to taking someone on her bed. I don’t know, even though things were kind of snarky between us, it just felt off-limits to me.

  Kiera had been mainly ignoring me while I’d been sussing out my companion for the night, but it was clearly a forced reaction. I could tell she wanted to openly glare at me, wanted to go off on me, she just didn’t have a reason to.

  I was minding my own business, heading to the restroom, when Kiera finally spoke to me; these were the first direct words she’d said in a while, and after they registered, I wished she’d kept her damn mouth shut.

  “Wanna try keeping it in your pants, Kyle?”

  Stopping in my tracks, I turned around. Did she seriously just say that to me? Did she have any idea how hypocritical those words were, coming from her mouth? Denny’s failed attempt to talk to me about my dating habits—at Kiera’s request—flooded my mind. She had no right to talk to me that way.

  “That’s rich,” I laughed, anger filling my veins.

  “What?” Her tone was blank, but her eyes were as fiery as mine. She was ticked, and she had no right to be.

  I walked over to where she was standing at an empty table. Grabbing her arm, I pulled her close to me. We hadn
’t been this close in a while, and my heart started beating harder. No. I would not let her affect me. I would not let her in. Kiera tensed, and I didn’t know if that was because of my closeness or what I was about to say. Leaning in so I could talk in her ear, I whispered, “Is the woman with the live-in boyfriend, the one whom I’ve had sex with on not fewer than two occasions, really lecturing me on abstinence?”

  Kiera tried to pull away from me, but I held her tight. Frustrated anger inflamed my body, and harsh words escaped before I could stop them. Lips directly on her ear, I hissed, “If you actually marry him, will I still get to fuck you?”

  I knew I’d gone too far the moment the words left my mouth. Kiera agreed. Bringing her hand around, she pulled away and slapped me. No, “slapped” is too mild sounding. She whipped my face. That was what it felt like. Staggering back a step, I inhaled a sharp breath. Stars exploded in my vision. My ears rang, and my cheek felt like she’d touched me with a hot iron. Dazed, I could only stare at her. What the hell?

  “You stupid son of a bitch!” she screamed, seemingly unhinged.

  Completely ignoring the fact that we were in a packed bar, drawing an audience with every tense second that slipped by, Kiera raised her hand to strike me again. This time, I caught her wrist and pulled it down. She winced in pain, and I realized my grip was hurting her, but I didn’t let up. I knew the look in her eye—she wanted blood. My blood.

  “What the hell, Kiera? What the fucking hell!” If she was going to ignore our very alert audience, then I would too. Fuck it. Fuck it all. I was too pissed to care anymore.

  Her other hand twitched, and I grabbed it before she could attempt to backhand me. She still didn’t fucking back down. The feisty bitch raised her leg like she was going to knee me in the balls. Oh, I don’t think so. I shoved her to the side, away from me. She couldn’t attack me if she couldn’t reach me. Surprising me, she leaped after me again. She was almost like a wild animal, trying to rip me to shreds. If I weren’t so angry at her, I might have been concerned.

  While Evan grabbed Kiera around the waist, restraining her, Sam put a hand on my chest. It wasn’t needed. I wasn’t going to go anywhere near her. Jenny moved between Kiera and me, arms outstretched, like she was magically holding us apart. While my eyes were glued on Kiera, I felt Matt and Griffin step behind me. Matt was quiet, Griffin was laughing; aside from Kiera’s and my heavy breaths, his laughter was the only sound in the bar. I was glad he found this amusing. It was anything but to me.

  When no one seemed to know what to do with the two of us, Jenny took charge. Grabbing my hand, then Kiera’s, she started pulling us away. “Come on,” she told us in a tight voice. Clearly she wasn’t happy about this either.

  Following Jenny’s lead, I ignored Kiera on the other side of her. I didn’t really want to see that bitch right now. My face still felt like it was on fire. I was really tired of her smacking me. I was tired of anyone smacking me. I’d been smacked enough in this lifetime.

  I blocked out everything and everyone as Jenny pulled us into the hallway. Evan opened the door to the back room and Jenny dragged us inside. Evan scanned the hallway for eavesdroppers, then stepped inside the room, closed the door, and guarded it, like Kiera and I were prisoners or something. The whole thing seemed ridiculous to me, and I just wanted to go home.

  “Okay,” Jenny began as she released our hands. “What’s up?”

  I started explaining what happened at the same time Kiera did. Jenny held her hands up. “One at a time.”

  I was done with this entire conversation, even though it technically hadn’t begun yet. And what could either one of us really say right now anyway? If Kiera and I were going to discuss this, then we needed to do it alone. And I didn’t feel like being alone with her.

  I shifted my angry eyes to Jenny. What was the point of being here? “We don’t need a mediator, Jenny,” I bit out, a dark edge to my voice. We can skirt around the problems between us just fine on our own, thank you very much.

  With a look that clearly said she wasn’t bothered in the slightest by my tone, Jenny calmly said, “No? Well, I think you do. Half the people in there think you do.” She indicated the bar full of witnesses we’d left behind. Her expression shifted to a frown as she eyed me with trepidation. “I happen to know a thing or two about your fights. I’m not leaving you alone with her.”

  Shock ran through me. She knew? If she knew about our fights…then she knew why we were fighting. She knew…everything. Kiera told her. Why in the hell would she do that?

  I shifted my gaze to Kiera. “You told her…she knows?” Kiera shrugged. Her eyes flicked to Evan; he was still out of the loop. The only one in the room who didn’t know the truth. “Everything?” I asked her, still disbelieving. Our secret being out in the open made it all the more real, all the more horrible. And it had been bad enough before.

  Kiera only shrugged again in answer. Her nonchalant attitude about it ticked me off even more. I’d kept my mouth shut, why the fuck couldn’t she? How hard was it to not tell people you were a tramp who’d screwed around on your boyfriend? Seems like that would be an easy thing to keep quiet about. Guess not.

  Still stunned, I murmured, “Well…isn’t that interesting. And here I thought we weren’t talking about it.” My eyes shifted to Evan. He was still confused, that much was clear. Well, what the fuck did it matter now if he knew or not? What did anything matter anymore?

  Since none of this seemed important at the moment, I decided to fess up to all of it. “Well, since the cat’s out of the bag, why don’t we all get on the same page?” With a dramatic flash of my hands, I indicated Kiera while I told Evan, “I fucked Kiera…even though you warned me not to. Then, for good measure, I did it again!”

  “Kellan, stop swearing,” Jenny scolded, while Evan told me, “Damn it, Kellan,” and Kiera screamed, “Shut the hell up!” Irritated at all of them, I glared at the room and added, “Oh…and I called her a whore!” If they were gonna be mad at me, they might as well be really angry.

  Her hands clenching into fists, Kiera averted her eyes. “You’re such a prick!”

  That got under my skin. If either of us was being a prick right now, that title went to her. I stared at her until she looked my way again. “A prick? I’m a prick?” I took a step toward her and Jenny placed a hand on my chest. “You’re the one who hit me! Again!” I showed her my face; I knew from the stinging there had to be a red mark on my skin.

  Evan interrupted before Kiera could respond. “Jesus, man. What were you thinking…or were you?”

  I snapped my eyes to him. He seemed really ticked at me. I didn’t care what he was at the moment though. I didn’t care about anything. Screw everyone. “She begged me; I’m only human.”

  Kiera made a sputtering noise, like I’d just spouted a lie or something. I hadn’t. That was exactly what had happened. “You begged me, Kiera! Both times, remember?” I gestured at her and Jenny pushed me away. I felt like I was losing my mind. How did trying to do the right thing bite me in the ass so much? “All I did was what you asked. That’s all I’ve ever done—what you’ve asked!” I threw my arms out to my sides, not knowing what else to do anymore. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

  “I didn’t ask to be called a whore!” she seethed.

  She had a point, but I was too ticked to care. “And I didn’t ask to be hit again! Quit fucking hitting me!” Jenny told me to watch my language while Evan told me to calm down. I ignored them both; they weren’t supposed to be involved in this anyway.

  That riled Kiera up. Eyes blazing, she spat out, “You did ask for it, prick! Since we’re sharing, why don’t you tell them what you said to me!” Kiera took a step toward me, and this time, Jenny held her back; her petite body was the only thing standing between our mutual rage.

  “If you’d given me two seconds, I was going to apologize for that. But you know what…now I don’t! I’m not sorry I said it.” Pointing around Jenny at her, I added, “You were out of line!
You just don’t like that I’m dating!”

  She gave me an incredulous expression. “Dating? Screwing everything that walks isn’t dating, Kellan! You don’t even bother learning their names. That’s not okay!” With narrowed eyes, she shook her head and spat out, “You are a dog!”

  I was what? Was she kidding me? I was just about to rip her a new one when Evan interrupted again. “She has a point, Kellan.”

  Kiera and I both twisted to look at him. “What?” I felt like the blow to my head had jostled around some brain cells, and I was misunderstanding every word leaving every person’s mouth. There was no way Evan had just agreed with her. By the stern look on his face though, I knew I hadn’t misinterpreted anything. He thought I was a dog. Well, the truth was coming out left and right, wasn’t it? “You got something else to say to me, Evan?”

  I backed away from Jenny and her hand fell from my chest. Evan’s expression became even harder as he stared me down. “Maybe I do. Maybe she’s right. And maybe, just maybe, you know it too.” I flinched at the truth in his words, and my own words froze up in my chest. Did Evan know what I was doing with all these random women? That I turned them into Kiera in my head? I didn’t see how he could possibly know that, but just the thought that he might sealed my mouth shut.

  When I didn’t say anything, he added, “Why don’t you tell her why you’re so…free…with yourself? She might understand.”

  Anger flashed up my spine. I was tired of people commenting on my life. It was mine. No one had the right to judge me on it but me. And I knew exactly what I was. “What the fuck do you know about it?” I snapped, taking a step toward Evan.

  Evan’s face softened into sympathy. “More than you think I do, Kellan.”

  I froze in place, unable to move. He wasn’t talking about Kiera. About my insane little fantasy where I turned every girl I touched into her. No…he was referring to something much deeper, much darker. I saw something in his eyes that I’d seen before…in Denny when he’d taken a blow for me. In Kiera, when I’d confessed how torturous my life had been with my parents. He knew. Fuck me, he knew. I had no idea how he’d found out…but Evan knew I sought comfort in sex because it was the only place I’d ever found it. He was calling me out, right now, but this was not something I wanted to talk about. Ever.