Thoughtful Page 22

  While I watched, Kiera’s eyes filled to the brim with tears. The green depths shimmered at me, and the pain behind them was unmistakable. I frowned as I wiped away a tear that had rolled down her cheek. Why was she crying? “Am I hurting you?” I asked, hoping that I wasn’t; I didn’t ever want to cause her pain.

  “Daily,” she whispered.

  And there it was. My flirting with her, teasing her, playing with her…trying to kindle the fire between us so she’d accept us…was hurting her. I was a bastard, yet again. “I’m not trying to hurt you. I’m sorry.”

  Her brows scrunched together as she snapped, “Then why are you? Why don’t you leave me alone?”

  My heart felt like she’d just tightened a vise around it. You begged me to stay. You cried for me. You made love to me. How can I possibly leave you alone after that? When I love you more than anything else in this world? I just want a part of you, is that too much to ask? I frowned, hoping she wouldn’t tell me it was over…completely over. “Don’t you like this…being with me? Even…just a little?” Please say yes. I can’t handle it if you say no.

  She hesitated, like she wasn’t sure what to say, then her entire expression relaxed, as if she’d accepted the truth. Finally. “Yes, I do…but I can’t. I shouldn’t. It’s not right…to Denny.”

  Even though I was relieved by her answer, I didn’t feel happy. Denny. Yes, she was right about that. It wasn’t fair to him. None of this was. “True…” I said, nodding. I could only truly share her with him if he agreed too, and he never would. What sort of man would say yes to something like that? What sort of asshole would ask his best friend and the girl of his dreams to enter into a twisted relationship like that? My fingers paused in her hair. “I don’t want to hurt you…either of you.” You both mean so much to me…

  We watched each other for several long minutes. I wasn’t sure what she was thinking as she watched me studying her. My mind was a jumble. Denny was innocent in all of this, and he deserved better, but I couldn’t give up my true love. Not entirely.

  Kiera and I could still have an intimate relationship, but it would be purely emotional, not sexual. I would sacrifice the sexual aspect and wouldn’t push her to sleep with me. I would respect that part of her and Denny’s relationship, and Kiera and I would go back to the nonsexual contact that we’d had while Denny was gone. Then I would get to keep the closeness that I really needed from her. And if we weren’t being sexual, then we wouldn’t have to feel guilty anymore. This could work.

  Or it could backfire…and we’d all lose.

  “I’ll leave it at this. Just flirting. I’ll try not to be inappropriate with you. Just friendly flirting, like we used to…”

  She seemed surprised by my suggestion. And I suppose it was absurd, but…I needed her to agree to it. I needed this. “Kellan, I don’t think we should even…not since that night. Not since we’ve…”

  I smiled that she still couldn’t say it. The memories of our intimacies flooded through me, but I let them flow right out. I could give that up, if it meant I got to keep her. I stroked her cheek, wishing it was more, but knowing it never could be. “I need to be close to you, Kiera. This is the best compromise I can offer you.” A burst of wickedness flashed through me, and the words escaped my mouth before I could stop them. “Or I could just take you right here on the couch.”

  Stiffening on my lap, it was clear she didn’t find my suggestion funny. “I’m joking, Kiera.” I sighed.

  She shook her head. “No, no you’re not, Kellan. That’s the problem. If I said okay…”

  I smiled as the thought of making love to her again clouded my senses. “I would do whatever you asked.” Anything. Everything. Just say yes.

  She looked away from me, exposing her neck. I trailed my finger along her cheek, down to her collarbone, and then to her waist again. She was so beautiful…Kiera looked back at me with a sharp glare, and I gave her a sheepish grin. This was going to be harder than I thought. Much harder.

  “Oops…sorry. I will try.” I promise. Just give me a chance. Things were so good between us before. I want that back. No, I need it. Please, Kiera.

  She didn’t say yes, but she didn’t object anymore either. I took that as a sign that she was considering it. I hoped so. I resumed stroking her hair, and eventually the repetitive motion lulled her to sleep. I smiled as I watched her eyes close. As much fun as it was to rile her up, to leave her squirming with desire and panting for breath, having her like this, calm and peaceful, was nice too, in a different way. I wanted to experience every emotion with her. Well, all the good ones at least.

  When it was clear she was deeply asleep, I shifted her off my lap and stood up. She was still sleeping, but she had a frown on her face, like she missed me. I wondered if she’d dream about me. The thought made me incredibly happy. I wanted to invade her subconscious, just like she’d invaded mine. Leaning down, I scooped her up. She sighed in contentment and nuzzled her face against my chest. I closed my eyes and savored the moment. We could be so great together, if she’d just let me in. And maybe now she would begin to. Really, that was all I could ask of her.

  I tucked her into her bed, then stared at her for the longest time. If she woke up and found me watching her like this, she’d probably think I was mentally disturbed. I wasn’t. Just in love. It felt good to admit that. If only I could admit it to her, then maybe she’d have an easier time believing that I wasn’t using her, or only interested in sex. It went so much deeper than that. But I couldn’t say those things. The words just wouldn’t come.

  I left her sleeping in her room and headed out to go meet up with the guys. We had a gig tonight at Razors, and I was actually looking forward to it. I felt hopeful, for the first time in a while, and it lightened my heart, and my mood. I was joking around with Matt when Evan asked me about it. “You seem different. Not as melancholy as you were a while ago,” he said. “Something happen?”

  Shrugging, I nodded over at Griffin. He’d just taken a drum off the van, and he was looking around like he had no idea what to do with it now. “Yeah. Clueless over there is actually lending a hand for once. That’s a modern-day miracle. Who knows what could happen next? World peace. The end of hunger. The Huskies and the Cougars getting along. Anything is possible. Except maybe that last one.”

  I laughed as I pulled a guitar out of the van. Evan narrowed his eyes but didn’t ask me anything else. I kind of felt bad for avoiding his question, but I couldn’t tell him the truth. I was in love with Kiera. She saw me. She understood me. Well, she understood the parts of me I let her see. She meant everything to me, and wrong as it was, I couldn’t wait to see her again.

  The next morning, Kiera came downstairs while the coffee was brewing. She hadn’t done that in a while. She’d been avoiding being alone with me, and as far as I knew, she hadn’t had coffee since the espresso stand; I still couldn’t think of coffee without thinking of her moaning beneath me. It was a damn shame that was over with.

  I turned to greet her when I heard her enter the room. Her hair was messy and disheveled from sleeping, and she was still wearing her pajamas—lounge pants and a tank top. As usual, she wasn’t wearing a bra with it, and her firm breasts were clearly outlined beneath the tight fabric; her nipples were rigid peaks in the early morning chill. She was breathtaking. And completely oblivious to that fact, which made her even more enchanting.

  “Mornin’. Coffee?” I asked, pointing to the pot.

  She gave me a dazzling smile that made my heart skip a beat, then she slipped her arms around my waist, making my heart beat harder. Her touch surprised me so much, I stiffened before I relaxed into her embrace. God, it felt amazing to have her arms around me again. I never wanted to let her go.

  Her gorgeous eyes were a tranquil green this morning when she looked up at me. “Good morning. Yes, please.” She indicated the coffeepot with her head.

  Peace washed through me as I gazed down at her. Yes, this was what I really wanted. “You aren’t goin
g to fight me on this?” I asked, pulling her closer.

  She gave me a smile that matched the calmness I was feeling. “No…I missed this.”

  I leaned in to place a soft kiss on her neck, but she gently pushed me back. “We do need ground rules though…”

  I laughed, wondering what rules she’d come up with. Besides no sex. That one was a given. “Okay…fire away.”

  She pointed out the one I was thinking about first. “Well, besides the obvious one, that you and I aren’t ever…” She blushed, unable to complete her thought. So cute.

  Unable to resist, I teasingly drawled out, “Having…hot…sweaty…sex? Are you sure you don’t want to rethink that? We’re pretty amazing—”

  She thumped me on the chest in answer. With a bewitching glare she told me, “Besides that obvious one, no more kissing…ever.”

  My smile dropped. Well, that sucked. I liked kissing her, liked tasting her skin. Even if it wasn’t on the lips, it was incredibly enjoyable for me. And as long as it wasn’t on the mouth, I really didn’t see the problem with it. Maybe I could get her to see it my way. “What if I just stay away from your lips? Friends kiss.”

  She frowned, then shivered. “Not like you do.”

  I sighed, hating that she was taking that away, but too happy that we were finally on the same page to really care. At least I’d still get to hold her every morning. “Fine…anything else?”

  With a saucy smile, she stepped away from me. Like her body was a game show prize, she showcased her breasts and her hips. That was a game I wouldn’t mind playing. “Off-limits…don’t touch,” she told me, a playful but serious note to her voice.

  I could have guessed that much, and it was unfortunate, but I exaggerated my disappointment as I told her, “God, you’re sucking all the fun out of our friendship.” I reversed my expression into a smile, so she’d know I was playing with her. “Okay…any other rules I should know about?”

  I opened my arms and she stepped right into them. Heaven. Her eyes searched my face. “This stays innocent, Kellan. If you can’t do that, we end this.”

  I could tell she was looking for some sign that I couldn’t handle this. I could. If it was this or nothing, I could handle anything. I pulled her head to my shoulder and hugged her tight. “Okay, Kiera.” I love you. So much. Whatever you’re willing to give, I’ll take.

  Pulling back, I playfully pushed her away from me and said, “That goes for you too, you know.” I pointed to my lips, then pointed to my crotch. “Don’t touch.” She rapped me on the chest again and I added with a laugh, “Unless you really, really want to…”

  When she smacked me again, I pulled her in for a hug. Sharing this with her was amazing. Being with her was amazing. She was amazing. I would take a lifetime of pain if I knew I’d get moments like this. This made it all worth it.

  Kiera was relaxed in my arms, accepting our connection. However strange it was, it worked for us. She jerked to alertness when the phone rang though. She looked up at the ceiling before dashing over to pick up the receiver, and I knew why. Denny. The cloud of potential pain and guilt literally hovering above our heads. We could only have this closeness and intimacy when he was asleep, or gone. I knew why it had to be that way, but still, it stung. As much as I loved and respected Denny, a part of me would always want what he had.

  Kiera bent over the counter when she picked up the phone. Her ass on full display for me was too much. A small laugh escaped me as I thought about all the things I could do to her in that position. I knew I shouldn’t think those thoughts about her, since we were keeping this “innocent,” but she was perfection. Dirty thoughts were hard to keep out.

  Straightening, Kiera spun around. She put a hand on her hip as she pouted. The expression did nothing to realign my indecent thoughts, but I made a swift halo over my head. I may think dirty things about you, but I won’t act on them. I’ll be as much of a gentleman as humanly possible.

  Kiera smiled as she leaned back on the counter. “Hi, Anna.” I started preparing our coffees while Kiera spoke to her sister.

  “Isn’t it a little early for phone calls?” Kiera said into the phone. She was silent while I poured some creamer into her cup, then she said, “No, I’m up.”

  I stirred Kiera’s coffee while she laughed at something her sister said. “No, hot-bod is awake too.” I looked over in time to see Kiera cringe and look my way. Hot-bod? Really? Did she mean me? Raising an eyebrow, I mouthed the word as I pointed to myself. Rolling her eyes, Kiera nodded. I had to laugh at the nickname, and wondered who had come up with it first—Kiera or her sister?

  My eyes glued on Kiera, I took a sip of coffee. A playful grin grew on her lips, and I wondered what she was thinking about. Nonchalantly, she told her sister, “We were screwing on the table, waiting for the coffee to brew.”

  I nearly choked to death on my coffee as I spat it back into the cup. I could not believe she’d just said that. I was becoming a bad influence on her. Or a really, really good one, depending on how you looked at it. My dirty thoughts instantly returned, and Kiera turned her face away from my grin; her cheeks were flushed.

  “Geez, Anna, I’m just joking. I would never touch him like that. You should hear about all the girls he’s been with. Ugh, he’s disgusting…and Denny is asleep upstairs, you know.”

  She looked up at the ceiling, up to Denny, and my eyes drifted to the floor. He’s disgusting. So…that was what she really thought of me? My lifestyle repulsed her. I repulsed her. On some level, I was dirty and disgusting to her. I knew she had to think that. I was, after all, completely unworthy of her. She should run back to Denny and never give me the time of day again. That would be the smart thing for her to do.

  Setting down my coffee, I started to leave, but Kiera reached out and grabbed my arm. Feeling sad and defeated, I looked her way. You should just let me go. Staring intently into my eyes, she said into the phone, “Everything is fine.” I knew by her tone she wasn’t just answering some random question her sister had asked, she was letting me know that she hadn’t meant what she’d said.

  She pulled my arm around her waist, and I needed her too much to resist her. Even if she thought I was a hideous beast, it didn’t change the fact that I needed the connection I felt when I was with her.

  Relaxing, I smiled and held her tight against me as we both leaned against the counter. A bright red stain highlighted her cheeks while she stared at me. I wanted to know why, but didn’t ask her since she was on the phone. I’d like to think that she’d thought something about me though, something good.

  I tried not to listen as Kiera finished up her phone call, but from what I did catch, the sisters were making plans to meet up. And Kiera wasn’t entirely thrilled about it. She cursed when she finally hung up the phone.

  When she asked me not to share her swear with Griffin, I shrugged. I never actually told Griffin things about Kiera anyway. “What’s wrong?” I asked, smiling.

  In a forlorn voice, she told me, “My sister. She wants to visit.”

  I scrunched my brows. I’d pieced that together, but not the reason for her reluctance. “Okay…and, you don’t like her?”

  Rubbing my arms, she shook her head. “No, no I do. I love her, dearly, but…”

  She averted her eyes and I tried to regain contact with her. “But what?”

  With a defeated expression, she looked at me again. “You’re kind of man-flavored candy to my sister.”

  I laughed. Guess her sister was interested. And by Kiera’s description, her sister was far more aggressive than she was. Well, it didn’t matter much to me. Kiera was the only woman around in my eyes. “Ahhh…so I’m pretty much going to be attacked, right?” I laughed again, picturing having to keep Kiera’s sister at bay. This would be interesting.

  Kiera wasn’t as amused as I was. “It’s not funny, Kellan.”

  I gave her a warm smile. “It kind of is, Kiera.” The sister I wanted couldn’t give all of herself to me, but the one I wasn’t int
erested in was already willing to rip her panties off. I found that highly amusing, in a twisted way.

  Kiera seemed to sadden more and more. Even though she looked away, I saw tears forming in her eyes. I still had no idea why she was so upset. What did it matter if her sister came out here? What did it matter if she was all over me? My heart was Kiera’s alone. Fully and completely.

  Tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, I murmured, “Hey…” Gently grabbing her chin, I made her look at me. “What do you want me to do?” I’ll do whatever you want. Just ask.

  She looked like she was fighting with herself, wrestling with whether or not to be honest with me. I wanted her to. I wanted to understand the problem here. I couldn’t do the right thing in her eyes if I didn’t know what it was. “I want you to not ‘do’ her. I don’t want you to even touch her.”

  She glared at me, and I began to understand. She was jealous. She thought I’d sleep with her sister, since I couldn’t sleep with her. As if I would want a pale imitation of the real thing. As if I could stomach being with anyone else, when Kiera was all that existed to me. I wasn’t sure how long I could go without sex…but I knew how long I could go without Kiera. And it wasn’t very long. I wasn’t going to do anything that might push her away. Touching her sister…wasn’t even a thought in my brain.

  “Okay, Kiera,” I said, brushing her cheek.

  Not understanding the depth of my agreement, her eyes filled with tears. “Promise me, Kellan.”

  I gave her as reassuring a smile as I could. “I promise, Kiera. I won’t sleep with her, okay?” You’re the only one I want. It took her a moment, but she finally nodded and let me pull her in for a hug.

  You’re the only one I’ll ever want.