Thoughtful Page 23

  Chapter 15

  Heaven and Hell

  The last several days with Kiera had been amazing. It was just like it had been before, but different. Before, we’d flirted, but we’d never acknowledged the flirting. We’d never even talked about it. Now though, there was innuendo in the air, and I was able to hold her, flirt with her, and tease her about it. It changed things, amplified our relationship. There was nothing innocent about our flirting now, but Kiera seemed comfortable with it, so I didn’t point out to her that there was enough sexual tension between us to power a small city. She had to know anyway, she just didn’t want to admit it.

  Staring at my ceiling, I replayed the dream I’d just awoken from. Kiera had been in the kitchen, making me a lunch before I went off to work. After handing me the bag, she’d looked deep into my eyes and told me, “I love you so much, Kellan. I don’t know what I would do without you.”

  I wanted her to say that to me for real, so badly. Smiling into the darkness, I whispered, “I love you too, Kiera. More than you know.”

  It was really early in the morning, and I hadn’t had much sleep anyway, but when I closed my eyes, all I saw was Kiera. Anxious to see her again, I couldn’t get back to sleep. When I finally gave up trying, I headed downstairs and got to work making a pot of coffee. My smile widened as the dark brown liquid began to fill the carafe. Seeing it, smelling it, reminded me of her. It reminded me of making love to her, reminded me of my dream. Such a nice fantasy…I wished it were real.

  The pot was nearly to the top when warm arms wrapped around my waist. I inhaled a deep breath, taking her in, then twisted to face her. She gave me a tired but happy smile.

  “Mornin’.”

  Her smile grew at hearing my greeting. “Good morning.” She pressed her head to my chest and I pulled her into me. Closing my eyes, I savored her—her scent, her softness, her warmth. I wanted to remember everything, just in case this was a dream too.

  We didn’t pull apart until we heard the shower running upstairs. With a small sigh, Kiera pulled back. There was a slight mar on her forehead. Guilt. I wished she didn’t feel that way, but I understood why she did. A part of me did too. We were both bastards, playing this game, sneaking around behind Denny’s back, skirting near a line we’d already crossed and shouldn’t cross again. We should both stop what we were doing…but I already knew I couldn’t. I was in too deep.

  While I prepared mugs for us, Kiera started making tea for Denny. It was sweet of her, but it was a cruel reminder that my dream was just that—a dream. Watching her stabbed like a knife, so I focused on our drinks instead.

  Moments later, Denny came downstairs. I gave him a friendly smile and greeting as I sat at the table with my coffee. Kiera was leaning against the counter, drinking hers. She was keeping her distance from me so Denny wouldn’t be suspicious. She handed him his tea, and he told her, “Thanks, babe,” as he leaned in for a kiss.

  The look on her face as she gazed up at him wrenched me, but I couldn’t stop staring. There was love in her eyes for him; there was no question who had her heart. But when he angled his head to playfully nuzzle her neck, her eyes turned to me, and oddly enough, her expression didn’t change. Well, maybe her smile slipped some, and troubled sadness filled her eyes. She looked sorry, but I wasn’t sure if she was feeling that toward me or Denny, or both of us. It was confusing, painful. I gave her a brief Don’t worry about me smile, then concentrated on my coffee.

  As Kiera sat down, Denny told her, “I may have to work really late tonight. Max has a job that he needs my help with.” Denny said the word “job” oddly and Kiera frowned, like she was sure the task was something trivial, something beneath Denny’s skills. Stuff like that really irritated her. Seeing her expression, Denny quickly added, “You’ll be working anyway, so I didn’t think you’d mind if I said I’d help him…right?”

  Kiera opened her mouth, seeming like she wanted to object, but she had no real reason to. After flashing a glance at me, she murmured, “Right…sounds good.” She seemed guilty again after she said it, and I resisted the urge to hold her hand.

  I was all smiles as she slid into my car later. Driving her to and from school was almost my favorite part of the day. I loved seeing her across the seat from me. It felt so right. She smiled as she closed the door, equally happy. As I started the car, I asked her, “Do I get to walk with you today?” She’d made me stay behind the last time I drove her.

  She pursed her lips in thought, then shook her head. “No, I think it would be better if you stayed in the car.”

  I sighed, but left it at that. She had her reasons, I guess. But I really enjoyed walking with her, and it was innocent, like she wanted. I’d keep trying. I dropped her off with a “Have fun. I’ll see you later,” then headed to the grocery store for supplies.

  When I was done shopping, I went home to work for a little bit. There was a song Evan and I were working on that was nearly finished. Evan was busy arranging the music for it, and a couple of the lines I’d had didn’t fit now. His melodies were better than my lyrics though, so I was switching it up to fit his stuff.

  I worked at the kitchen table until my vision started going in and out and I started nodding off. Guess three hours of sleep wasn’t enough. Putting away my notebook, I shuffled over to the couch. I had a little time to rest before picking up Kiera. After turning on the TV, I stretched out on the cushions. My lumpy beast wasn’t the most comfortable couch in the world, but it got the job done.

  Just as I was starting to fall asleep, the front door opened and surprise washed through me. Kiera was home; she shouldn’t be done with school yet. “Hey, you’re back early. I was going to pick you up,” I said as she walked into the living room.

  She stepped over to the couch, and I sat up and patted the space between my legs so she’d sit close to me. “You look tired,” she commented. “Everything okay?” She nestled herself between my legs and leaned her back against my chest. Yes, I’m more than okay. I’m in heaven.

  Holding her tight, I played with her hair. “I’m fine…just a late night, didn’t sleep well.”

  Turning her head around, she gave me a playful grin. “Oh. Feeling guilty about something?”

  I laughed at her remark, and gave her a squeeze. “About you? Every day.”

  I sighed. There was too much truth in that statement, and I didn’t want to think about it. Intent on changing our focus, I pushed her forward a little bit. She resisted, saying my name and turning to face me, but I clamped my hands on her shoulders and made her face straight. I needed her back for what I wanted to do.

  I kneaded my fingers into her muscles, and she stopped trying to protest. In fact, she melted like warm butter under my hands. “Hmmmm…I could get used to this flirting thing,” she murmured as she relaxed in my embrace. As I laughed at her comment, she asked, “Did you have a bad dream?”

  Remembering my dream made me smile as I moved my hands along her shoulder blades. “No…I had a good one, actually.”

  “Hmmmm…what about?” Her voice had a slightly distant sound to it, like my fingers were completely distracting her.

  I moved my hands down her spine and she made a soft, satisfied noise in her throat. I kept my fingers there while I answered her. “You.” I dug my fingers in deeper and the noise she made intensified.

  “Hmmmm…nothing naughty, I hope. We are keeping this innocent, right?”

  My fingers moved down to her lower back and she let out a deep exhale full of pleasure. Remembering my sweet, thoughtful dream version of her, I laughed. “No…nothing even remotely scandalous, I promise.”

  I started returning my fingers up her back, loosening knots, feeling the rigid muscles turn to Jell-O. Kiera let out a low moan as I worked on a spot holding a lot of tension. “Hmmm…good, I don’t need you thinking about me that way,” she mumbled.

  A small pang went through me at the wall between us that was keeping us physically apart, but at least I had this much of her. It would have to
do. We didn’t talk any more after that. Kiera seemed too relaxed to keep up a conversation, but I was fine with comfortable silence.

  I reveled in the feel of her body under my hands, the smell of her shampoo tickling my nose, the satisfied noises she let out whenever I relieved an ache from her body. As I headed south again, reaching out to get more of her rib cage, she started letting out noises that were darn near indecent. It was captivating to listen to her, and I paused wherever she made a sound. If I closed my eyes, I could pretend that I was making love to her…the sounds coming from her fit perfectly. It made desire rocket through my body. I could feel myself hardening and bit my lip to contain a groan of my own. God, I wanted her.

  As her sensual noises continued, my body shifted into readiness. I needed her. When my hands got down to her hips, I shifted my position and pulled her against me. She teasingly just brushed against my jeans. I needed more. I needed to rub against her. I needed to lay her down, pull her clothes off, and thrust inside her. I needed to hear more of her intoxicating sounds. I needed to hear her come.

  Thinking I was finished with my massage, Kiera leaned against my chest with a contented sigh. That’s when she seemed to notice that I wasn’t calm and peaceful anymore. I was aching with need and ready for action. I wanted her. That was the only thought in my mind.

  I ran my hands up her inner thighs, pulling her into my body, and she spun in my arms. Swallowing back the need coursing through me, I slowly opened my eyes to gaze at her. Her eyes were wide with alarm, and her lips were parted; I wanted to taste them. I could tell by her reaction that she saw the desire on my face. Yes, I want you. I brought my hand to her cheek, and started pulling her into me. I need you.

  It looked like it took some effort on her part, but she shook her head. “No…Kellan.”

  Hearing that word from her returned a small amount of reason to me. Closing my eyes, I pushed her away. I needed space if I was going to let this pass through me. If I even could. I was so ready for her, my unyielding denims were a little uncomfortable. I focused on the slight pain in my groin instead of the massive amount of pleasure. “I’m sorry. Just give me a minute…”

  I felt Kiera move away from me, and I pulled my legs up and locked my elbows around them. I took three calming breaths while I thought about things that were in no way sexy: war, disease…my parents. When I felt more in control—no longer feeling like I needed to throw her on the floor and take her—I opened my eyes. She was intently watching me with a worried expression on her face.

  Trying to ease her concern, I smiled. “Sorry…I am trying. But, maybe next time, you could not…uh, make those noises?”

  Not realizing she’d been mimicking sex with her groans of pleasure, she blushed bright red and looked away. It was enchanting, and I had to chuckle at her reaction. God, what was I going to do with this woman?

  Sometimes I really wasn’t sure, but as long as I could be around her, touch her, feel connected with her, I could handle anything. Even her having sex with another man.

  “Will it bother you if Denny and I sleep together?”

  Kiera and I were fully engaged in our morning routine—sharing a cuddle while we waited for the coffee to finish brewing. Denny was upstairs, sleeping. Kiera had her arms around my neck and was looking up at me with an expression of regret, pain, and curiosity. Her question cut right to the quick. I really wasn’t sure how I felt about them being together. I was certain they had been—Denny had been home for over a month—but I hadn’t seen or heard anything since that one time, so it was easy enough for me to pretend it wasn’t happening. The thought of them being together churned my stomach. It was making me feel ill right now, with her safely in my arms.

  Not really wanting to answer her painful question, I smiled and said, “You sleep with him every night.”

  My jackass response earned me a poke in the ribs. “You know what I mean,” she whispered, her cheeks turning a delightful shade of pink.

  Being blunt, I rephrased her question. She really needed to get comfortable talking about sex, especially given our…complicated relationship. “Will it bother me if you have sex with your boyfriend?”

  The rose color on her face deepened as she nodded. I kept my smile plastered to my face, but didn’t say anything else. How could I? What could I possibly tell her? Yes, I love you with all of my heart, so the thought of you being with him…when I can’t…kills me.

  Raising her eyebrow, she gave me a gotcha smile as she said, “Just answer the question.”

  I laughed that she’d turned my words against me. Looking away, I sighed and decided to be honest. Somewhat. “Yes, yes it will bother me…but I understand.” I looked back at her, my heart in my eyes. “You’re not mine.” But I’m yours…

  Her eyes moistened as she stared at me. I wasn’t sure what she was feeling, but it seemed to be difficult for her. She started to pull away from me, and I clutched at her. I didn’t want her to go. “Just a minute…” she whispered.

  Recognizing the words I’d used when I’d been too riled up to be near her, I released her. “I’m fine, Kiera.” You don’t need to pull away from me.

  She met my eyes and she looked sad. I hated to see her sad. “I need a minute, Kellan.”

  That surprised me. She was worked up enough to want to attack me? Because she felt guilty. It hurt that she felt that way, and at the same time, it warmed me. She wanted me.

  We prepared our coffees in silence, then leaned against opposite counters as we sipped them. All the while I wondered what the hell I was doing with her. I should end this before Denny got hurt. But then her voice surged through my brain—Stay. Don’t leave me. Please—and I knew I couldn’t let go. She couldn’t release him, I couldn’t release her. We were all fucked.

  I begged Kiera to let me walk to her class, and this time she conceded. I had a feeling it was because she still felt guilty over this morning, but I’d take her pity if it meant I got to spend a little more time with her.

  Walking with her felt just like old times, and I savored every second. We talked about inconsequential things—her life, her parents—and I held her hand the entire way. It was bliss. After dropping her off, I went home and sat down to work. My phone rang while I was struggling to come up with a lyric that wasn’t sunshine and happiness. The song I was working on was dark, but Kiera filled me with light, and all I felt at the moment was amazing.

  “Yeah?” I said, after picking up the phone.

  “Hey, Kell, it’s Matt. Just reminding you about tonight.”

  I rolled my eyes. “I know. We’re playing up north. Everett, right?”

  “Yep. So you need to be here earlier than usual, so we have time to get up there.”

  I was used to Matt calling me, reminding me about stuff, but I swear, sometimes he talked to me like I was five. Or Griffin. “Not a problem. I’ll see you in a few hours.” Shaking my head, I added, “Why did you book a show that far north anyway? Aren’t there plenty of places around here?”

  Matt let out a small sigh, like he’d already explained this a couple of times today. “I book the shows wherever I can get them. Pete’s is great, but we need to keep expanding our fan base if we’re ever going to get bigger. That might mean traveling from time to time.”

  I shrugged. It didn’t really matter to me if we got huge or not. I just wanted to keep doing this for a while. As long as we could, really. The music was what mattered to me, not all the extra crap. “Okay, you’re the boss.”

  Matt laughed at that. “Damn straight, I am. Don’t be late.”

  He hung up the phone and I shook my head again. “Okay,” I muttered to the empty room. Matt needed to chill out. Maybe Evan and I could find a girl to hook him up with tonight. Matt tended to be on the shyer side and sometimes needed a little help coming out of his shell. Or a shove. Maybe some feminine attention was just what he needed to mellow out.

  I spent the remainder of my time alone thinking of what I could do for Kiera, since I wouldn’t get to se
e her tonight. I came up with espresso, which seemed like the right call. When she saw me in the hallway outside of her class, holding a drink in my hand for her, she squealed like a little girl.

  I hated to leave her once we were content and snuggly at the house, but eventually I had to go meet up with the band. Matt would have my head if I wasn’t there on time. With a long sigh, I fingered a loose strand of Kiera’s hair. She was doing homework on the couch while I kept her company. There were books spread out everywhere, and she was scribbling down some notes for a paper she was writing. She looked up at the sound of my exhale. A smile was on her lips as she studied me instead of her textbooks.

  She watched my fingers playing with her hair, then returned her eyes to mine. A strange expression passed over her—guilt mixed with sadness. “You’re probably really bored watching me do homework, aren’t you?”

  I smiled and the guilt on her face evaporated. “No. I could watch you do this all day.” I frowned. “But I can’t. I have to go meet the guys. We have a show tonight.”

  Kiera frowned with me. It made me happy that she did. Maybe she was going to miss me just as much as I was going to miss her? “Oh…okay,” she said.

  I wanted to lean in and kiss her, just on the cheek, but I knew that was off-limits, so I simply ran a finger down her skin instead. “I’ll be late, but I’ll see you in the morning.”

  Her smile returned as she nodded. “Okay.”

  I stared at her a moment, memorizing every beautiful detail about her, then I got up to gather my things and leave. Work beckoned, and I had no choice but to obey. Even though I didn’t want to.

  A few hours later, I was helping the guys unload the van at the venue. We were behind the place, in the alley, so that no one attending the show tonight would see us. All fifteen of them; this place was tiny. Matt was talking to the owner of the bar, getting a feel for where to set up, since we’d never been here before. I took his moment of distraction to step over to Griffin, leaning against the side of the van.